Earth to Saturn (By Way of the 1st Star to the Right.)

The problem is that is felt so good being with you & therefore I miss you so terribly. Sometimes I wish we had not had such a good time. You know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean. It almost would have been easier if we had driven each other crazy... Now I am even more in love with you and you feel even farther away.

 I have this missing feeling... My holiday & time with you feels like years ago.

I agree.

So our relocation back to Planet Earth, or Saturn, or Holland, or Wherever it is, from Planet BIOHF3W has been about as painless as you would imagine. Which is, well, totally not painless. Its pretty fucking painful, honestly. I mean, I was relatively used to the single & dating life before he arrived, before I met him; but after practically three weeks with my Dutchman - a man who I love, who loves me - I got very used to Planet This Man is My Boyfriend - Very used to waking up next to him, very used to walking in and seeing his face after a long day at the shop, used to his touch,used to double dates and used to introducing him as my boyfriend... I told you, I got Used to Us. It was so easy and effortless to love him & be loved by him. (Not to be confused with lazy or simple, mind you - it just came naturally, the two of us as a complete pair.)
He has been gone for a week - and this has been the hardest week in recent memory. Not only is he gone, but he is making up for lost time in terms of his job with 17+ hour workdays - so what was nearly three straight weeks of  being spoiled by just he and I has now taken a drastic turn & become, if I am lucky, five to fifteen minutes of texting a day. This man who I fell in love with is so far away - with no actual return in sight other than as "soon as possible", perhaps December, at the earliest, and very little communication. This last paragraph may read a little bit like he is blowing me off, but know what is included in our 7 minutes texts and what I know of him, I can assure you it is not.
My heart breaks hourly missing him. I am sad & I am lonely, and I miss him with all my heart. I try to push it out of my head, I don't talk about it for the most part, - the thought of it usually makes my eyes well up with tears. I can't help it but it makes me feel... Abandoned. And I haven't been by any means, and I hate even writing that down, let alone saying it out loud, but sometimes - even against our most reasonable thinking and rationalizations - sometimes we just can't help our emotional response to things. You know, he put it best right before he left when he said its not like he can just hop on a plane & be here from Friday to Sunday, like a minibreak or something. I know (and knew) that this would be hard, and his entire trip here he kept repeating to me (every time he saw my mouth tremble or eyes gloss over), he kept on repeating, No tears - I am not wasting tears on missing you while I'm still here with you. & he was right, and it made our time so much more enjoyable that he would literally force us not to focus on what we would feel like, say, a week after his return home (or yesterday or last Wednesday or next Wednesday or a week from next Wednesday) but I am struggling. I am filled with Sadness. Capital S.

What was the galactic address for Planet BIOHF3W again?
 & please don't give me that "straight on 'til morning" BS.
Seriously, I'll be pissed.

This situation has me literally cursing Cupid for picking him - cursing that bastard baby for putting a man in front of me that Saturday night that I could love so much but not have. Curse him for giving me someone I could forsee a happy future with, that I want a happy future with; for giving me such a gift of a boy, but a gift that is akin to those stupid "Name A Star" placards people give as gifts when they don't know what else to give. You know the ones -- they come with a map of the heavens and a unreadable location, & they feel so entirely intangible.

'Look, this star is yours!' 

Which begs the response, 'Uh, yeah right, a-holes... I can barely even see it in the sky from here.'

I know the saying that anything worth having is worth fighting/working/waiting for - but does it really have to be this fucking hard? I've been searching for this Love, for him, for as long as I can remember, so then why do I find it in someone that is so far, so absolutely far, far away. And there is no simple answer - it isn't as easy as me picking up and moving to North of Calabasas, or Planet BIOHF3W, or even like, Idunno, Nashville, anythinginthenameofLove - and he can't do that either. It's not as easy as a cross country move - it's across the world. It is as difficult as: There is no easy answer.
Because, the man I love is across. the. world.
Come in Saturn! Saturn to Planet BIOHF3W. Saturn to Planet Boyfriend:  You are across the world from one another. Yeah we know that, thankyouverymuch.
It is such an odd sensation, to mourn the loss of someone that you are not broken up with or even breaking up with, that is here on Earth but also gone. Someone absent from that spot on your shoulder where they should be putting their arm around you, just missing from that spot in your hand where they should be holding it. He is somewhere out there - somewhere tangible, somewhere with a longitude and latitude - someone somewhere who is dreaming of you, loving you, and missing you too. But in the same breath, the same heartbeat - gone.
I just get so afraid when I think about his other mantra - his mantra of, What is the worst that could happen? And before the answer was simple - it was 'We'll be late' or 'We'll be a little lost.'
I'm terrified that the answer has become, 'What if We can't? What if I can't?'
I just don't know what to do. Because the touch of his hand is may be missing from my own, but that spot in my heart is filled to capacity.

Sidenotes: I struggled writing this post because, as you a know, he does occasionally read this. But I started this S&SR as an unabridged outlet for myself, and myself only, with no intention of sharing it with those I date & I didn't want to cheapen it by censoring  or editing myself based on who I think might be reading it.