The Spark & the Sparkle (& Why Do I Always Doubt Both?!? Tsk, Tsk.)

Click click. Tsk tsk tsk. Click click. Tsk. Hmpph. (Exhale) Tsk tsk tsk.

I, apparently, have turned into something of an African Tribesman over the past year. A habit I, apparently, have picked up without noticing. I mean, my daily life this past year, although full to the brim with friends, work, texting, facebook, dates and phone calls, has been a relatively singular one. I've been single for a year. And apparently, making quiet clicking and tsking noises to myself all the while. Spending four days nonstop with someone else - after a year of (mostly)happy solitude - really brings stuff like tribesman-esque huffing and puffing and clicking to light.
He is here! The Spark is still there! Shining brightly! 24/7, he and I for the past four days!
The past four days have brought a few other things to light as well... I apparently have a few hangups (no shit, Sherlock!) and have found myself constantly 1.) telling relatively unflattering stories about myself (Did I ever mention the New Year's Eve I was really mean to a girl? Still like me now? How about the time I called a girl fat and ugly and she heard about it? Still like me now?) and 2.) having mild panics thinking that he is going to realize he doesn't feel the same about me after spending so much time with me, hearing about all the superkind things I have done. I need to stop this. Basically, other than me, he's absolutely wonderful.
My Dutchman is patient. He is sweet and kind, (and stubborn as hell). As I was late, lost and losing it to and from the wedding on Saturday and he was cool as could be; whereas my Ex would have been losing it on me as well, the Dutchman was calmly reminding me that the world would not end if we were four minutes late, & that we would eventually find where we were going. "What's the worst that could happen?" was his calming catchphrase. When I realized that I had left the invitation at home, leaving us without the name or address of the church, he did not make me feel like an imbecile, he said he simply knew I would figure it out. (I know this seems like a given - "Well, of course he doesn't try and make you feel stupid" - but I am for the first time being faced with situations that for years with the Ex were handled in a certain Threat Level: Red-way, and in comparing now vs. then... The difference is ah-mazing.)
Also, I learned that if you are ever attending a wedding where you are sure to not know a soul, bring someone with an accent. Instant conversation starter.

Sparkle & Fade.

You know, I know it has only been four days since he arrived, but I have spent this last year trying to be strong & resilient. Yet with him in these past four days, I am kind of fragile & emotional. It seems as though I am always caught off guard by my own vulnerability in relationships. It certainly has turned on the fluorescent neon sign that reads: I am terrified of Rejection. Capital R. (This is where I cue, "But isn't everyone!?") I felt the same with the Aussie, which is of very little consolation, considering... Maybe that is why I was lulled and comfortable in my 'relationship' with B----; it never asked me to be vulnerable.
I have found strength by leaning on the love of those around me; on the love I get from my own friends as personal proof to him that I am worth loving. Does this make any sense? When a bridesmaid at the wedding was cooing over how wonderful she thinks I am, that I am Good People, I found myself thinking, "See! See how lovable I am?!"  When one of my best friends started explaining a part of my personality to him, I silently thought, "See!? My friends know and love me." I am quietly realizing that I am uber comfortable in my relationships with other women; I am strong & resilient when it comes to friendships with other women, and relating to them; letting them in. But that too did not come easily for me. I wish I could collect that feeling I have with my girlfriends and bottle it up and spike Girlfriend-Me's wine with it.
My friends and I have joked in the past that I "sparkle". And on my very best days, I do feel like I maneuver through this world in some sort of radiant way; I do think of myself as a dynamic personality. I mostly think of myself as strong, kind & resilient. Whether or not this is true, it feels true some of the time. Then, bam! lands the Dutchman, or in walks the Aussie, and I forget it all - I am overcome with self doubt!
It is a weird thing to say; & it perhaps comes from a place of being unaware of exactly how transparent I am, but I am totally unable to gauge how much of my true self I am allowing to shine through to him. I believe he knows me better than I think he does; as we can't truly know how others perceive us - or at least I can't. I believe I have probably given more about myself away then I realize. While I stand there thinking I am holding back, for fear that if I give too much away he will turn on his heel and leave, I think I may be giving everything away. He says he can see it in my face. But I'm not sure.
Another thing... Over the course of the weekend, I did realize I am quieter than I thought. I mean, I knew getting out of my past relationship that I had been silenced a little; and I thought it was my Ex's doing but I am starting to realize that I may be just a little bit stuck in my own head (as my boss put it the other day). I am more careful with my words, perhaps replacing my younger-self's verbal diarrhea with the aforementioned click click tssk tssk hmph. But it is a calm, comfortable quiet. A sit-and-read-next-to-you-quiet. Not a silence screaming for filler.
In the past four days, we have gone out and we have stayed in. We have gone all out, and we have stayed in an expensive hotel. We have laughed, we have kissed, we have bantered. He was (and still is) a little sick Friday night, and I was laying in bed reading, him asleep & Kat Moss purring on my chest, and I looked around, at the two of them and just felt completely content.
We were at a restaurant a bit South on Friday, outside on the patio & he looked to me & said,

You think people look at us, and think to themselves, "Those two are really in Love?"

I don't know what I am so worried about.
Yet I woke this morning, heart aching for fear he wouldn't say it again before I left for work.
He did.

Sidenotes: I got my monthly 'friend' the day after writing this. Which begs the question, Why is my strongest symptom of PMS excruciating insecurity? Also, I have added a tag "Men with Accents" on the left hand side for filtering purposes. Just an FYI.