The Siren's Song; Can I Claim It As My Own? Yes Ma'am.

Okay, I said as I was getting off the phone with Goldi,

I'm going to go back to listening to really sad music. And making all the lyrics relate directly to me. I'll talk to you later.

She and I laughed & said our good byes.

It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten
What the color of her eyes were
and her scars or how she got them.

I have a good life. Not in the, 'Well, if you have to proclaim it, then you're just trying to convince yourself' way - but I really do have a good life. And my good little life revolves around one very, very sensitive narcissist. (Me!)

You know, I was really surprised when I realized that some people don't listen to music lyrics; my reasoning was always, if you don't listen to the words being sung whats the point of turning on the radio in the first place? I listen to songs, and I make them mine. I  mean, we're all just trying to connect with others in one way or another, whether it be with writing or sex or singing or whatever. And music gets me. Like smells, I use songs to represent memories... The xx's album reminds me of Bijou and my Malibu Bad Ass & our 'Bad Influence Luncheon'. It also reminds me of amaaaaaaaaaazing sex with Maroon 5 (not the band, it's a nickname) (Hi Mom!). Florence + the Machine's album, Lungs, reminds me of my Best Friend in San Francisco, and of us dancing in the aisle's at a huge concert last year. (And of my Ex's surprise when I informed him I purchased a very expensive ticket and would be going without him; it was like he looked at me and thought, Who are you?) Bonnie Raitt's I Can't Make You Love Me & Rosanne Cash's The Wheel remind me of the smell of cooking onions and my mom when I was growing up. (Oddly, it has the same effect on my sister.) If Only For a Night by Florence + the Machine reminds me of my God Mother. And of a friend who passed away shortly after high school, one who then came to me in a dream not long after and told me not to miss him because 'matter can neither be created nor destroyed'.

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus.
But he talks like a gentleman.
Just like you imagined
when you were young.

Love songs, old songs, break up songs. I'm touched by them all.

Anyhow, I have been... Well, a little melancholy lately. Maybe it's because of the new CD I bought (yes'm, I still buy CDs) that I have been listening to compulsively in my car even though it makes me cry (and then puffy) or maybe it's just the holidays in general, I can't be sure. But I have been not 'down' necessarily, but maybe a little sad. I'm mentally, a little all over the place. Okay, a lot all over the place. Whether it be in my car, listening to sad songs, getting bad news that doesn't even relate to me but still knocks me back, or seeing the face of an old friend at a restaurant yesterday and not fighting the urge to turn on my heel and pretend we didn't see eachother (I turned right around and walked over to the hostess stand, shaking) or just the stress of the fucking holidays and half my friends being in hibernation.
Or that fact that...
In the next couple months I forsee a lot of change happening in my life; this little life I have had for years is going to go through some major upheaval. You know, I finally have a hold on the single life & being like reallysuperpopular&classy, and now it's a whole new massive shift. Like breaking up with my Ex, and moving out - I'm moving on. Looming in the not so distant future is the very real possibility that I am going to leave my job. After 5 years at my shop, I am finally looking for something new. I actually went on an interview last week, for a much larger company, and I do believe it went well. (I should hear from her after the holidays.) My resume is done, I'm applying for actual grown up jobs but it makes me sad. But also hopeful for the future, for a future with more room for growth and more dinero in it, but still... I love my job. The one I have now. And very soon, it's not going to be mine anymore. I had a very good friend tell me, the one who I listen to with all my heart, after listening to me whine about finances (something I do all too often from restaurant patios),

You know - You can't complain if you're not doing something about it.

And she was right. So after a very heart wrenching discussion with my boss, I assembled my resume, references, yaddayaddayadda and started applying to places. I feel like Alice falling into Wonderland, chasing something but I don't know what. The White Rabbit? What if I get stuck with The Mad Hatter? Or the The Queen of Hearts? (Sidenote: As a teenager, at my first keg party I awoke in the morning to everyone calling me the Queen of Farts. Oops.) Like being single for the first time, or being on my own; I have never done this before. Let alone, done it Alone. Without my Dad, or a boyfriend, or youthful naivete.
I'm terrified. And, I'm already starting to mourn the loss of My Little Life at the Shop while being terrified of the uncertainty of the future.

Blame it on the Tetons.

What if I fail?
What if I don't find something?
What if...?!

So, just like Lisa Loeb,

I turn the radio on, I turn the radio up & this woman is singing my song:

Then I heard your voice as clear as day,
And you told me I should concentrate,
It was all so strange,
And so surreal,
That a ghost should be so practical.

Only if for a night
And the only solution was to stand and fight,
And my body was bruised and
I was set alight,
But you came over me like some holy rite,
And although I was burning,
You're the only light
Only if for a night

These are the lyrics that get me everytime.
These are the lyrics that are mine.
These are the lyrics that make me cry and make me hate that I have such trouble saying good bye.