Driving Lessons on the 101 North.

Near my hometown, on the 101 North, there is a spot of highway where it always seems to bottleneck. So growing up, whenever we hit that spot while driving - usually on our way to ballet or the mall, as the high stone walls closed in on us & the lanes themselves, my Mother would say calmly,

Now, when you're driving through here, just remember, there is no room for error.

Now, everytime I drive through that spot on the 101 when I'm back home, I find myself repeating her words - No room for error, no room for error, now remember right here, there is no room for error.

In traffic, I always think to myself;
each driver of each car
was once a thirteen year old,
has had heartbreak,
has has triumph,
has had failure,
& has had love (if they're lucky).
DeepThoughtsWithJackHandy.

The thousands of cars just cruising along, and then lanes start to merge, the bottleneck hits & they get a bit trapped and squeezed and slowed down inside a walled-in 3 lane highway, until they break free one by one and two by two about a mile down the road. All cautious, because at this point in their day, on their drive, in this moment in their life, there is no room for error.
There are so many emotions and feelings going on in my heart; so many things I want to say to my Dutchman while he is here, so many thoughts I have never thought I'd think whizzing through my brain at 60 mph, so many things I want to say to him. But they all seem to get bottlenecked en route from my heart & my brain once they get to my lips, I find myself thinking, No no there's no room for error, and then all that comes out the other side is I love you. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing bad to say, less my own fears & insecurities, but I still find my thoughts and feelings bottlenecking at my throat, backing up against one another like cars in traffic. I am not necessarily saying that this is bad thing, but sometimes I just wish I could just come out and say my thoughts, traffic & noise free. Actually, this holding back, this bottlenecking of sorts, has been the case in most of my relationships - the self doubt, the fear exposure & vulnerability; they are the stone walls on the 101 North. (Actually, once I was able to articulate to him that I am not used to feeling such vulnerability, he responded, "Vulnerability? What is this word?" My response? I laughed and said, "You'll have to use your translator for that one.") So, occasionally, actually more often than I think they do, the words still come out the other end of the bottleneck, unphased - one by one and two by two, without error. Its funny, you know, I once mentioned that I adored the intuitive nature of the unfortunately moniker'd Superman/Troll - well, my Dutchman has that intuition too. So even with my bottlenecked thoughts, my lack of words sometimes, my mantra of no room for error; he still reads my face, reads my thoughts. I have oft commented on my own transparency; the slightest mouth tremble, deep breath, or slow blink of my eyes - and I get this feeling at my core that he knows exactly what I am thinking.

Talk about Error-Free,
This is Flawless.

Actually, this weekend, prior to our wonderful and relaxing trip to Las Vegas, I finally told him about S+SR; it was beginning to feel like a lie, or that everyone but him was in on a secret, and I didn't want him to feel the fool. I let him read the posts about him; he smiled and smirked through them all, commenting that he now knew better how I felt, & that he was flattered to be written about in such a way. It was exposing, but it was also a way to fight that bottleneck; it was like taking the sideroad instead. Not a cop out, mind you, just a different way of getting to same destination.
When I asked him if anything surprised him in my writing, his response was something to the effect of, "Yes. That you can write like that... Your talent." He may or may not have also compared me to Carrie Bradshaw, which I find slightly comical coming from a twentysomething-year old Dutchman.

Four more days. He is here for four more days. (Deep breath.)
& if I could wish for one thing to bottleneck rightaboutnow, it would be Time.
If only Time would brake from 60mph to a slow crawl, it would be the only traffic I would dare not curse.

Last night, after dinner - sitting yet again on a gorgeous patio, complete with twinkling white lights and a wishing well, when he looked at me with a small smile, and slowly, deliberately closed both eyes and reopened them without losing my gaze, I knew exactly what he meant.

And so I replied, I love you too.

Sidenotes: No, I don't know what I am going to do when he leaves. But what I do know, what this visit has really driven home is how telling that immediate spark, that immediate connection, is. I do love him, I am in Love with him. I can picture a life with him, a future with him. One of my dearest friends commented at her own wedding that she had never seen me so happy & advised me from the dance floor to never let him go. She is a friend I listen to with all my heart and head, so again I am say to myself:
Remember, here, at this point, with this Love, there is no room for error.
(In Layman's Terms: Don't.Fuck.This.Up. But,  I'm not planning to, don't worry.)
Also, my littlest sister may have had a point about falling in love and this little project, but I'll be honest, I'm not the least bit bored.
And! I took a long hot bath at the Bellagio. Finally.
Sidesidenote: They have since, up on the Highway 101, fixed that section of the road; but really, that is neither here nor there.