Paper Planes (Under Contruction in Windy Conditions.)

With the October chill in the air, I was - defiantly - sitting on an outdoor patio the other night with Bijou; both of us in bundled up in black & hovered over our drinks and under the heatlamp. We bantered back and forth about work, boots and the weather for a bit and then, as we always do, got into a conversation about - surprisesurprise - men & relationships. I mentioned to her that I have a 'first date' this Friday with a thirtysomething year old Banker of sorts.

Oh, I see you're back to The List, she said dryly

Yes, I am. I have to be. And you should make one too.

While she and I have not always seen eye to eye on the subject of men & relationships - we have one of those beautiful friendships where we aren't afraid to disagree with one another. Quite honestly, although we are very similar in many aspects of our personalities we are really a bit of a yin and a yang. Whereas Bijou has never been on a formal date, I (especially in the past year of singledom) have been trying my hand at very traditional and linear way of dating, with courting included, as opposed to just simply landing in a relationship. You see, I have thought awholeheckuvalot about that On Paper idea - and the idea that I do know what I want and don't want and what I deserve - and have been lucky enough to have had beautiful tastes of it - so I'm sticking to it. Or as Goldi so appropriately put it, Oh, and that paper deserves to be crumple free... for the most part anyway. I understand that

no one person will fit exactly, but in the same breath, I'm not just going to fall into a relationship blindly with just any boy just because it's easy. I am enjoying being single too much too lower my standards. And I have Standards. Capital S. Thatbeingsaid, I also understand that someone who may look good on paper may not be the one for me off paper. But when I told her to make a mental list, she scoffed,

No, I will not. I don't need one; I don't know what I want. I don't even know if I deserve to be in a place to be asking for what I want. Oh! Which reminds me,  I have a quote for you, something I was thinking about the other day. I wrote it down, hold on.

Bijou fumbled with her phone, commented on the atrocious music being pumped onto the patio and finally found what she was looking for,

"In a life of paper airplanes, Concrete is the only Godsend."

I looked back at her with a pained expression on my face. I shook my head.
Across the table from one of my nearest and dearest, I am saddened.
I vehemently disagreed.

She asked, Well, how would you write it?

I looked her in her big doe-eyes and said,

"In a life of paper airplanes, the Wind is a Godsend."

Now I'm not sure either statement makes sense but under the warmth of the heatlamp, both of us with a good buzz going, it totally did. Something clicked her her head while I realized exactly how different the two of us are. I realize she's never thought she deserved Paper Hearts & Paper Flowers to begin with. And though I've known my renegade little sister has been ruminating over the idea that your whole life is predetermined since she broke up with her longtime boyfriend several weeks ago, I had no idea she was just assuming that her life was mapped out in a way that she couldn't be her own navigator. To her, the laws of gravity are predetermining the flight path of that paper airplane. To mon petit Bijou, no matter what she does - what decisions she makes - ultimately that damn paper airplane is going to end up on the ground. So why would she even need the wind in the first place? Especially if she was questioning whether or not she even is deserving of it.  To which I say - Not only do I need the Wind - I demand the Wind. I deserve the Wind - We all fucking deserve the Wind.
Youknowwhat!?
I'm flying my fucking paper plane over by some windmills.


You may want to fasten your seatbelts.
But it doesn't have to be a bumpy ride.



I deserve not only the Wind, I but deserve Windmills too suckas! You know what else? I want those tiny pilot wings they hand out to kids!  If I am a paper airplane, and gravity makes the concrete inevitable, then the wind is my list, is my choices in friends & lovers, if the Wind is Hope; if the wind is my strongest navigational tool - then the Wind is certainly a Godsend to my paper plane, and to me. Letmetellyou, I'm not just throwing my hands up in the air, ending up all willynilly wherever it is gravity dictates I land.

We may not have control over everything - or anything really - but at my core, I believe God'll sure as hell send the wind. I believe we deserve many many flights that are beautiful and long, and each time we begin our graceful descent to wherever it is we land, we will be thankful for the wind. We can't be afraid to ask for it. And, we can't be afraid to give ourselves some really good tools of navigation. You should see the cockpit in my carefully crafted paper airplane - it's fantastic.

Finally, after we were both misty eyed & drunk, I said to her,

If you don't even think you deserve the Wind then you're not even bothering to make paper airplane. You're just a piece of paper laying on the damn concrete.

And your not.

So, make a list of what you  want and deserve, because you deserve a lot.*

*I even started it for her: brilliant, artistic & loves you for who you are.

And then we changed the subject.

Sidenotes: Goldi and the Doctor are officially officially(!) boyfriend & girlfriend. I met him, he is great. I mean, they call eachother 'Babe'. Goldi's boyfriend is a Doctor! Also, if I ever write an autobiography, it will be called something like, 'Patio' or if I'm feeling like taking some artistic liberties, which I do often, 'A View from the Veranda'.  And, yes I do in fact have a very promising date Friday (primetime!) with a thirtysomething Banker. Cross your fingers.