I'll pick you up something, seriously - I don't mind. What do you want? I asked myneighborboyfriend as I was driving home last night.
Granted, he said it in a 'friends' way, entirely off the cuff, because I am - well - Adorable. Capital A.Surprise me.No.
Surprise me.NO. If you want me to surprise you, I'll surprise you with the can of soup in my cupboard.
Laughter... followed by, I love you. He paused. Did I just say that?So, what do you want me to pick up?
But he did say last night, after I had gotten home - food in hand,
I'm falling for you and it scares me.And you know, I have very strong feelings for him.
Sobutokayhere'sthething: I tried to break up with him the morning of Thanksgiving. I was pissed. Ultimately, we didn't end up calling it off, but I was left with a bad taste in my mouth and an outgoing text in my phone that ended with 'I need stability'.
I told him that it was the third time in three weeks I've thought to myself he's a loser (&, I can do better).
To which he barb'd me a little, gave me a little,
'Well, you're not perfect either'.*To which I said flat out,
Oh hell no. Do not try to manipulate me with those words. I do not play that game.
*He has since apologized profusely.
On this El Camino Real, this being a Real relationship, I'm having a hard time navigating the unfamiliar territory that based on friendship. I have a hard time understanding how it is his companionship that makes me want to hold him so tightly when I am with him. Physically he isn't my 'type' (whateverthatmeans) and I am attracted to him as a person more than to him physically.
But other times, he really drives me crazy. Now, I'm not perfect by any means, but for a thirty six year old Man, he's got some real fucking growing up to do. And I already took that route with the Ex. And I have always, always said that people will only change if they - themselves - want to change. My neighbor's last long term serious girlfriend essentially slammed the proverbial door in his face because he refused to change - to grow up. And I knew this going into a relationship with him; however, he has made such huge life changes in the past year - they cannot be overlooked either. I understand that both of us are just learning how to be a 'couple' & that we're not just going it alone anymore; and with that, there has to be some readjustments to our own lives. I adore being with him, I adore him. I love our friendship, and when we are together I feel completed in so many ways. I am comfortable and I am comforted. He values my intelligence, he thinks very highly of me.
But how many cactus do you need to see alongside the road to prove you're in the desert?

I just don't know how to remedy caring for someone & being happy with them with the reality that in the long haul, they may not be right for me. That no one person is perfect but that I - and I have told him this verbatim - am not going to knowing hop on board with someone that is going to act like a donky at times for the next forty years. But, if I break things off with him - I will miss his friendship. And I'm not going to give up on him just yet - I am going to believe him when he says that he is actively changing - because it is not something I have asked of him, but that he's doing it for himself. I know a well as anyone that people do and can change. So, for now, I am taking him for his word.
To add to this, I can tell that the threat of losing me that morning - as well as just having been together so often & the natural progression of a relationship - is that his feelings for me are getting stronger.
(See: above.)
But every weekend, its seems as though its something.
Cactus.
Cactus.
Cacti.
He wrote me a text yesterday that simply read,
Hey! Thanks for being you.I did not respond. (I didn't know how to - because I didn't want to write anything to the effect of 'ditto' because all I could think was, Why do you do the things you do!?!)
It was followed sometime later with,
I will offer you stability. Sorry for the other night. I won't do that again.Again, I did not respond. For no other reason other than I was busy.
It was followed an hour later with,
I am fishing for some kind of reply. :)He is sweet.
So, I'm not ready to end the cruise down the El Camino Real just yet, but I am definitely keeping my eyes out for the exit signs.
And, if I do, I'll follow the one the reads 'other Beach Cities'...
...because, I know one thing for sure -I'm not getting stuck in the damn desert.
If I am going to make the trip down the El Camino Real,
it sure as Hell better be called 'The Kings Road' for a reason.
Otherwise, I'll stick to PCH thankyouverymuch.
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