The El Camino Real.

I'll pick you up something, seriously - I don't mind. What do you want? I asked my neighbor boyfriend as I was driving home last night.

Surprise me.

No.

Surprise me.

NO. If you want me to surprise you, I'll surprise you with the can of soup in my cupboard.

Laughter... followed by, I love you. He paused. Did I just say that?

So, what do you want me to pick up?

Granted, he said it in a 'friends' way, entirely off the cuff, because I am - well - Adorable. Capital A.
But he did say last night, after I had gotten home - food in hand,

I'm falling for you and it scares me.  

And you know, I have very strong feelings for him.

Sobutokayhere'sthething: I tried to break up with him the morning of Thanksgiving. I was pissed. Ultimately, we didn't end up calling it off, but I was left with a bad taste in my mouth and an outgoing text in my phone that ended with 'I need stability'.
I told him that it was the third time in three weeks I've thought to myself he's a loser (&, I can do better).
To which he barb'd me a little, gave me a little,

'Well, you're not perfect either'.*

 To which I said flat out,

Oh hell no. Do not try to manipulate me with those words. I do not play that game.

*He has since apologized profusely.

On this El Camino Real, this being a Real relationship, I'm having a hard time navigating the unfamiliar territory that based on friendship. I have a hard time understanding how it is his companionship that makes me want to hold him so tightly when I am with him. Physically he isn't my 'type' (whateverthatmeans) and I am attracted to him as a person more than to him physically.

But other times, he really drives me crazy. Now, I'm not perfect by any means, but for a thirty six year old Man, he's got some real fucking growing up to do. And I already took that route with the Ex. And I have always, always said that people will only change if they - themselves - want to change. My neighbor's last long term serious girlfriend essentially slammed the proverbial door in his face because he refused to change - to grow up. And I knew this going into a relationship with him; however, he has made such huge life changes in the past year - they cannot be overlooked either. I understand that both of us are just learning how to be a 'couple' & that we're not just going it alone anymore; and with that, there has to be some readjustments to our own lives. I adore being with him, I adore him. I love our friendship, and when we are together I feel completed in so many ways. I am comfortable and I am comforted. He values my intelligence, he thinks very highly of me.

But how many cactus do you need to see alongside the road to prove you're in the desert?

The reality is, I care very deeply for a person who - however good his intentions may be - when left to his own devices, it gets a little prickly.

Over the course of the last few weeks, its been one cactus after another. For both of us. But while mine are personal issues that don't really affect him other than that he now has a slightly more stressed out little lady to deal with, his have been - well, a little more of a problem. And he knows that. And he swears up & down that he is in the process of growing up, and changing those behaviors - but really... At this point in time, he's on shaky shaky ground.
I just don't know how to remedy caring for someone & being happy with them with the reality that in the long haul, they may not be right for me. That no one person is perfect but that I - and I have told him this verbatim - am not going to knowing hop on board with someone that is going to act like a donky at times for the next forty years. But, if I break things off with him - I will miss his friendship. And I'm not going to give up on him just yet - I am going to believe him when he says that he is actively changing - because it is not something I have asked of him, but that he's doing it for himself. I know a well as anyone that people do and can change. So, for now, I am taking him for his word.
To add to this, I can tell that the threat of losing me that morning - as well as just having been together so often & the natural progression of a relationship - is that his feelings for me are getting stronger.
(See: above.)
But every weekend, its seems as though its something.

Cactus.
Cactus.
Cacti.

He wrote me a text yesterday that simply read,

Hey! Thanks for being you.

I did not respond. (I didn't know how to - because I didn't want to write anything to the effect of 'ditto' because all I could think was, Why do you do the things you do!?!)
It was followed sometime later with,

I will offer you stability. Sorry for the other night. I won't do that again.

Again, I did not respond. For no other reason other than I was busy.
It was followed an hour later with,

I am fishing for some kind of reply. :)

He is sweet.
So, I'm not ready to end the cruise down the El Camino Real just yet, but I am definitely keeping my eyes out for the exit signs.
And, if I do, I'll follow the one the reads 'other Beach Cities'...

 ...because, I know one thing for sure -I'm not getting stuck in the damn desert.

If I am going to make the trip down the El Camino Real,

it sure as Hell better be called 'The Kings Road' for a reason.

Otherwise, I'll stick to PCH thankyouverymuch.