The Story of Goldilocks.



Pretend that's hummus there on the table.

Wine & Hummus nights are a common occurance with me and my girlfriends -- many of our most hilarious conversations, ideas, shared secrets & inside jokes have come from sitting in our apartments together with a tub of hummus and a couple bottles of cheap red wine. On one of these nights, not long after I decided to sign up for the online dating website, I convinced my closest friend, lets call her 'Goldilocks' (as she has both depth in her highlights & even more so in her personality) to do the same. It took quite a bit of wine, a panic attack (and about a week,) but she finally agreed. Mind you, she wasn't on the hunt for a boyfriend, nor did she have much experience in 'grown up' dating. She was quite concerned with what to do when the check came*,

But, I'm just not comfortable not offering anything!

Goldi, just smile and say 'thank you for dinner'. Or excuse yourself to the bathroom. But always say thank you.

* My girlfriends have often commented on my ability to not even lean towards the bill. Sorry, guys, I have had too many boyfriends who I have literally supported at times. If my date bothered by this, he's not the guy for me. But I always say thank you.

So off Goldilocks and I skipped into the 'Dating World'.

So after a particularily bad cocktail date last night, she called me to come pick her up even though she was only 3 blocks from her house.

It's okay, I have hummus. And wine.

Girl, thank god. Let's go.

We went back to my house. Our post date hummus and red wine session eventually led to this breakdown of her experiences with online dating:

The Lawyer:  First date off the site. The second she met him, she thought Wow. This is gonna go well. Two hours in, they finally looked at the menu.

(She is using superstitious numerology to justify sleeping with him as we speak... Their date is on the 13th of month and it's their 7th date. Something about the Lucky 7 cancelling out the 13. All justifying aside, she just wants to sleep with him.)

 The Model Ex Druggie: Within moments of sitting down knew there was no connection. The conversation followed that included things you would never tell someone that you were trying to impress. He did pay for dinner, but he was a sober manorexic, so... he was a cheap date.

The Platonic "Wish We Could Be Friends" Guy: Really liked him, and went on two dates with him. (I accompanied her on the second, and I had a blast too.) No 'spark'- he did not take this well: immediately 'unfriended' her on facebook. She thinks about their undone friendship frequently.

The Cheap Jock: Made her pay for parking and beer. Nothing to talk about. Actually called for a second date; she did not return the call.

....and tonight's winner: 

The Adonis Liar ("Chip"): Knew within two minutes of sitting down: full of shit. Spent the whole date calling him out on inconsistencies in his stories and thinking about The Lawyer.

So after much red wine, & two containers of hummus, we have come up with our 'grown up' version of the classic tale of Goldilocks:

• The Adonis Liar - too hot.
• The Cheap Jock - too cold.
• The Platonic "Wish We Could Be Friends" - too soft.
• The Ex- Model Druggie - too hard.
• and... finally, The Lawyer - juuuuuuust right.

They're going out tonight.
So are the Australian and I.