Leave/Change.

Leaves are changing. I finally noticed when Jim and I took a trip up to the Getty Villa, and outside of the preplanned Southern California tracked homes with their evergreen palm trees.

Or perhaps, it was the first time I'd had the time to notice.

After what feels like a long time coming.

And like the leaves, life changes. Life is fluid.

Though, I've been aching for 'the old days' a bit lately. Not sans Jim, but for the days where I had my little shop overlooking the ocean, for me to tear apart and put back together, for my boss and I to sit in the sun and talk shop on the bench by the door. For a time when my conversations with friends were not for about fifteen minutes before my workday, but instead spread out like melting butter over the course of a day or week or months.
I miss that little life by the beach; the one which had a place so perfect for me within it. 
Summers in the sand, boys falling at our feet, with flowers in our hair; we dressed, we danced, we sang, and though we were not entirely happy, we were - or, I was - contented with that.
It's a bit hard, feeling so disconnected from that old life. From that shop that defined me, from my friends who carried me. My life has changed in insurmountable ways in the past six months, from job to boy to many many things - and, within that life, I feel more contained, more centered and safe and loved. I feel Whole - and defined - for the first time in as long as I can remember.
Still, I can't help but feel a pang of hurt, of sadness, when I see pictures and think, 'I should have been there.'
I can't help but feel like a shunned third grader who wasn't invited to a birthday party when I realize that I wasn't even really asked somewhere where one hundred and eighty days ago it wouldn't have even have been a question.
And that's when I yearn for the days without question; the days of  fluid, half giggled conversations - the days of ocean views and misty PCH mornings.

I guess I have poor balance, I guess I can't - in light of all these changes - I haven't been unable to hold onto any semblance of my old life while creating a new one.
I feel like I've failed a little. Hell, I feel like I have failed a lot. 
But even then, when I think about failing my old life and feeling dismissed by it now, I can't help but remind myself that here - working a busy schedule and with a boy who loves me (in my wholeness, every bit of me, and not just in parts) - here, I am happy and here I am safe and here I am.

Here I am. 

My little life in Orange County; one which has a place so perfect for me within it.

I am here.
I am Home.