(Spare)Change; Or, the Rambling Hypocrisies of Saturn.

Not my natural state.

Anger is not an emotion I feel very often.
It takes a whole hellava lot to make me angry.

Hurt feelings? Yes, my feelings can be hurt.
Logical? I hope so.
Annoyed? Yeah, that happens too.
Sad? Check.
Positive? I really fucking think so.
Despondent? Been there.
Happy, thankful, indifferent, catty. Yep yep yep.
I can be all of those things in a matter of five minutes.

But anger? Anger is a rarity.

This weekend, I was overcome by Anger. Capital A. The kind the weighs on your chest, messes with your temperament; the kind that puts a bad taste in your mouth & and tears in your eyes. The kind that makes one go,

That's it.

I'm done.

And, I was done. Done with Apt F's nonsense. Knowing I am too smart to stand by and waste time with someone who is, for lack of a better description:
A Selfish ManChild.
Actually, no - that's a pretty accurate description.
Yet again, his actions over the weekend showed such a level of... disregard for me.
Without him even realizing that what he had done was, in fact, and act of disrespect. I won't go into particulars - he didn't cheat, lie or steal - he simply just acted. But it was such a reflection of his own short sightedness, his own shortcomings and boy, was I Angry. To the point of private tears, to the point of public tears. Simply: Done. He didn't know it, though I suspect that he wasn't surprised.

Upon arriving home, I got off the plane, walked for what felt like a mile to the baggage claim and saw him standing there, hands in his pockets, smirk on his face. I greeted him with a cold hug & half a smile.
He hugged me back & looked me in the eye & said,

You know, I do. I do love you.

I stop. I look at him - this floppy, burnt out man-child and say,

Don't even start. I am so mad at you right now, I cannot even have that conversation.

He looks at me dumbfounded, grabs my DVF luggage and we start walking to the car. His holiday was terrible, I know. Between car trouble & stepmother trouble, and from what I've come to gather, an overwhelming sense of loneliness & failure; he did not have a very merry Christmas.

And, he missed me.

One look at him and I wasn't angry anymore.
Just... Disappointed.

There is an older woman who parks herself outside my shop on the bench everyday - hair dyed an unflattering matte black and lips cracked with cheap ruby red lipstick.
She sits there for about an hour, on her break, smoking her extra long Virginia Slims, everyday. Turning into her is my worst fear; she exudes a sort of bitterness that permeates the air around her like her cigarette smoke.
We don't talk all that much.

Today, on that same bench, my girlfriend from the next shop over was sitting next to her & I went out to join them. My girlfriend asks how my boooooooooooooyfriend is, and I give her the abridged version of how upset I was with him this weekend. The older woman, swathed in oversize black everything and sucking on her cigarette interrupts us, squints at me and says,

You know... They never change. I say get out now.

And although her advice was given unwarranted, I know she's right.

He's not going to change. Unless it's by his own volition.

All Mixed up.

So, when I was breaking up with him, I said - very clearly - that I was not asking him to change; but instead, simply not going to put up with such behaviors. Patterns of behavior that not only make me feel angry, but also stupid for being in a relationship with someone who has so much growing up to do. That, yet again, he has acted with total disregard to how his behaviors will affect those around him, those who love him.

God, I'm such a hypocrite. Of course I'm asking him to change. I need him to change. And, by all accounts he does want to change; not for me, but for himself. He knows that he acts like an idiot sometimes. He knows that that was why his last relationship failed. And he knows that at his age, he shouldn't be doing such stupid things. And he is sad for it, mad at himself for it. At thirty six and a half, he is going through the male equivalent of what I have been working so hard on the past year or so.
While I was attempting to break it off, I asked him if he though he was depressed, and he replied with a no. But then he countered with,

Do you think I am depressed?

I said no, but followed it by,

I do think that you have low self esteem, a low sense of self worth, because of what you have been through the past couple years (major break up, major financial loss, major job loss) and that you beat yourself up about it. And you shouldn't.

His response? He agreed.
That and, he did not let me break up with him. He fought me, tooth & nail.

And I, in all honesty, couldn't do it. Not now, at least. I'm in such a precarious position, where so much he does drives me batty but then there is so much Good about him; he is intelligent, he is sweet, and he is... Many many wonderful things. 

The conversation then lead to bigger issues, regarding marriage and kids (the first real Future Talk conversation we've ever had). And regarding the fact that I am - at this point in my life - unsure about my desire for either. To which he said he could change his own goals in life, of marriage and fatherhood, because he wanted to be with me. I responded, eyes rolling,

You are only saying that, because truthfully, you don't see a future for us.

Needless to say, I was fishing for something... A yes? A no? Both? He explained that that was not the case, that he did see a future with me, and that is why he would be willing to change his own expectations to better suit my own, because he does... Or, wants to work towards one.

Still, I took the word 'Love' off the table that night.

I'm going to be honest, I don't know what to do about him. When I am with him, I adore his presence. When I am with him, I will pretty much do anything for him. Yes, I get annoyed at him, angry even, and sometimes feel taken for granted. But given what he is struggling with, I excuse it. Should I? He is doing the best he can, I'm doing the best I can. We're all doing the fucking Best We Can. And striving to do better.
I don't know what to do about him; I care very deeply for him, for whats going on behind his dark blue puppy dog eyes. But in the same breath, I feel like I can do better...? Or, perhaps I just want a better version of him? When did I become this girl? I know I don't want to build a Man, like I did for so long with my Ex, but at the same time - that's exactly what I am doing. I found myself last night asking him if when he was more financially secure, if he would let me take him to get some newer, less thread-bare clothes. New shoes. He agreed. Is it simply in my nature to find men I want to fix? To build? Is it an extension of my own insecurities? Am I threatened by the a man who doesn't need me to tell him the difference between Tylenol and Advil? To teach him how to preheat the oven? I was constantly doubting myself around the Aussie, a man that - although he didn't have everything in life figured out - at 31, seemed to walk the world with a shocking amount of self-assuredness. As did my Dutchman.
They didn't need me in the way I am so used to being needed.

I guess what I'm saying is, Apt F needs me.

Regardless, at this moment in time - with all the changes going on around me - and being back home, and feeling more grounded than I was leading up to the holidays; I am not ready to make a change. Not ready to be without him. I kind of need him too. And not just someone, I need Him.
I'm a bit confused; confused by the comfort and the friendship and the relationship as a whole.
I am content and yet I am confused.

Needless to say, I'm just not ready to make a final decision on 'Us'.
And, I don't need to, not yet at least.
Not yet.