It's My Party (& I'll Cry If I Want To).

The 'Bastard' being aging.

Oh... Birthdays. 

Nothing like turning a year older to remind me that I sometimes feel a little bit like the Child-Like Emperess in the NeverEnding Story.
This growing up business is harder than it looks. 
My party was a hoot. A hoot, Itellya. I got to see some wonderful women I don't see nearly enough, drink copious amount of champagne with the best of them and regale in my good choices in friends for an entire night. Yes, I was stressed & no, I don't feel like I got to spend enough time with everyone there. And though I did whine about turning 30, get in a massive blowout fight with my sister the next day, and have a wicked hangover the next morning; the party itself was a success. And now I just have to get through tomorrow. (My real birthday.)
To be honest, I am really trying to see my birthday cup as half full, but am failing at doing so just yet.

Because, like a little girl who ate to much cake & is now experiencing a full on sugar crash, I can't help but be a bit sad at who didn't come (which is so stupid, considering I am so pleased with who did) and not focus on the fact that my sister has apparently deemed my 'lifestyle' as 'worrisome'.
Ah, sisters. Who else has the uncanny ability to bring you back down to the caverns of Earth than someone who has known you since 1985.
Oh, it was quite an afternoon the next day with my little sister. Quite the tearfest.
Yes, I know, I should quit smoking. I know this. It's a goal for this year. And yes, I enjoy me some red wine. But. But. But.
You see, as much as we love one another, my sister and I have always had a tense relationship; obviously, in being my sister, she has seen me at my worst; and sometimes I feel like she can't let go of that. I have worked for many years to become a healthier version of myself (small steps, but steps nonetheless) and I feel like here and now, the day before I turn 30, I am doing okay.
Not just okay, but like really OK. Captials all around. I'm OK.
In all honesty, once, many many years ago, I on a whim decided to do some lurking on our family computer - looking for what, I wasn't sure, but after going through the internet history for a bit, I stumbled across a LiveJournal post that my sister had written about an eating disorder I was struggling with. Our parents were divorcing, I was about to go off to college & I was trying to find some modicum of control during a summer where everything seemed to be totally out of control. This was 10 years ago. And since then, I have felt that in my little sister's eyes, I will always have an eating disorder, and I will always be self destructive. She, as sisters will be, is very critical of my actions. But back then, I was barely 21, and a very different person than I am today. Today, the day before I turn thirty, struggling with job, money, aging and all that goes along with it, the last thing I needed was to then be told she's concerned about my Lifestyle.
Now, if this was 18 months ago, I would understand - after my breakup with the Ex of 5 years, I was drinking too much, dabbling in reckless behaviors, and definitely not eating enough; but here - today - though I am not at my happiest point, I am not even close to my lowest. And I am aware of my actions, I am aware of my shortfalls and trying to remind myself of my strengths. I have chosen to focus on my strides, my hopskip&steps towards being a Grown Up. Liking reminding myself to focus on who showed up for my birthday and not who didn't, I wish that my sister was able to focus on my gains and not my losses. I don't want her to worry about me, I don't think there's much of a need for it. I am doing OK.

I am OK.
Now, I know that not working full time has done a number on my self-esteem - I have lost what used to define me, much like when I broke up with the Ex. But after we broke up, and I was no longer 'His' and we were no longer 'Us' and I spiraled towards The Nothing for months. But this time, after losing the very definition of Me, I have certainly stumbled but I did not - I will not - spiral. Because, this time, I have more than just one definition of myself. This time, I have the women who surrounded me at my birthday to remind me that I am more than just a Shopgirl. This time, I'm a more grown up version of myself. And though, I love my sister very much, and always will, I cannot let her definition of me throw me for such a loop. 

Because, I believe she is quite Wrong. 

My sister told me the day after my birthday party that my hair was too thin, my skin looked unhealthy & my teeth were bad. Yes, my teeth are bad. Yes, I am very self conscious about it. Lets never speak of it again.
My hair? My hair is actually  the healthiest than it has been since my Big Break Up of 2010. (Though, I admit, dying it the day before my birthday to hide the multitude of grays that have moved in near the crown was probably not the best idea.) My skin is actually better than it has ever been. (The happiest side effect from all that dental work? A huge blast of antibiotics that cleared my skin up!)
But, even while I am struggling with not working or losing a part of my identity, I am not making bad decisions about food, drugs or men. I am thin, but I am not too thin. I am self aware & trying to stay strong.
And I will not let her disapproval be how I define myself at Thirty. 
Granted, I do not want her to worry about me, but I honestly believe she doesn't need to.
(Which she calls denial. I call it, There is no need to worry.)
Because I know that I am OK. I will be even better once I start working again; and I sent my resume off to a couple more places today, and thank you cards to those who interviewed me last week.
And, even more importantly, I had a great birthday party - I laughed, I danced, and I teared up a little during my own birthday toast.
Because when I look at my Life, and those who are a part of it on a regular basis do as well, I know how good it is to be Me. 
Let me rephrase that: How good it is to be Us. 

There is no need to worry.

I relish in the fact that my 'Us' is many many different women who I love & adore - from bosses to shopgirls, to college friends and high school friends, to each and every friend from in between.
Because these are the women who know Me.
My 'Us' isn't just me and a boy, anymore.
And that's where I find the strength and desire to make healthy decisions for myself in my life.

Because, it's them who know my daily struggles, loves, passions and losses.
They see me win and they see me lose, and we see me pick myself up and dust myself off, over and over again.
And I see the same in them.
They know that these days I check the mail everyday.
That these days I allow only those who love me In.
That these days I have an outlet for myself.
And, I'd be stupid if I didn't admit that yes, I know that there is usually a tinge of sadness in most of my words, but a lot of has to do with inspiration coming from the struggles of being human; that even on my finest days, on the happiest, I can't help but also be a little sad.
That's just the way I'm built.
But I do not let that overcome me, nor do I let it define me.
That even though I have a propensity towards acting like the Child-Like Empress (the temperamental and delicate diva that she was), and to sometimes want to hurl myself into the Nothing, that I am not and that, these days, I do not. Ever.
I wish my sister could see that.
See that at 30, I'm hopeful for the future.
And that life is a learning process and that I'm learning.

So, with that in mind...
Happy Birthday to Me.
Here's to Our Health.
Our Happiness.
Here's to a Life of Learning.
Here's to Us.