The Idiots Guide to Fly Fishing (or, Why Can't I Like Salmon?).

What, then, am I hunting for?

You know, I don't like salmon.
I want to like salmon, and about twice a year, I try it again, thinking to myself...

Maybe this time, I'll like it. Maybe this time I'll feel different.

I love Apartment F.
He makes me feel safer, more secure and more loved for who I am than I have ever felt with another man.
I can tell him everything, anything, without fear of judgement, without fear of him not loving me.
I want to be in love with him, I wish I could just stop all this nonsense, and just be with the man that loves me the most. And I'm even considering it - yet again - thinking to myself - yet again,

Maybe this time it'll work. Maybe now I can be happy with him. Maybe it'll be different.

I want to know in my heart that he's the one for me, but I don't.
In his heart, he believes that I may be the one for him, and it's driving him crazy that I can't, or won't.
It's driving us both crazy.

Why can't I just be In Love with him? He is In Love with me.

Though it's now come to the point where we love and cuddle and fight and cry and unfriend and refriend, and it's annoying to my friends because it is always something.
But I don't want to lose him.
And I feel like I might.
He referred to himself as a 'Placeholder' last night, and I didn't want to agree. Honestly, I feel as though I've become this person who always thinks that something better is out there. Always on the hunt for the next best thing. Someone who can't be content with what she has. By comparing the F to other men I've dated (and obviously that worked out just dandy) or even (gasp!) comparing him to other men my friends have dated or are dating I feel like I'm settling; which then makes me feel both selfish & arrogant, because he is wonderful. And yet, I am imperfect and flawed and scarred and scared, and he doesn't feel that way in the slightest, he doesn't - even on our worst days - doubt his love for me. In my worst moments, he kisses me forehead and holds me and calls me a 'silly, silly girl' and tells me everything is going to be okay.
And we don't even sleep with each other, just next to one another.

Why Can't I???

He rubs my back in his sleep.

The F is there for me whenever I need him, whether it be to feed Kat Moss, clean my toilet, give me a hug & a shoulder to cry on, steal his wifi or just instinctively know Me. And after the debacle of the Mathematician, we've been spending more and more time together, and I feel sound again.
This weekend I was centered and jovial and happy and surrounded by beaches and pools and my best friends and I was better than I have been in a month.

Everybody wants someone like that in their life.
Everybody deserves that sort of love.
Have I simply forgotten that I deserve it too?

Goddammit, why can't I just like salmon?
Everybody else seems to.