Nope. Still Don't Like Salmon.

To Apartment F. 

After a dinner date & three days of 'trying again'.

I just... I just realized that no matter what, for some reason, I would end up breaking up with you again. I don't have any answers other than these: You are my best friend, and I love you. And I thought that I may lose you, so if to keep you my best friend was to try and date you again, I was going to try. But the 'Spark' (such a fucking cliche word) still wasn't there. I think you look more handsome than ever, you are more forward moving & thinking than ever, and I have very deep and real Love for you, but as much as I wanted it to be one type of Love, it just isn't. And I can't help that, I guess. At breakfast this morning, Beauty referred to the boy she is seeing as, 'Probably not the best thing for me, but I still like him.' and I laughed, because with our situation, it is the opposite. You probably ARE the best thing for me, but I don't 'like-like' you. I do love you though, and I have never had a male friend I have loved so much, and I don't really know how to even have male friends. I'm at a loss. 
But, I cannot and will not do this back and forth again. I cannot keep kicking a dead horse. Everything we've talked about is true, my feelings and statements and trying to get to the 'bottom' of why we won't work - we've gone over it all. Time and time again. And perhaps it's my up & down, my hot & cold, that really did us in, I'm not sure. But, my God, we know I am like that. I just wanted to not lose you in my life, and I wanted you to 'see the point' of just being friends with a girl, but you couldn't seem to.
I hate this because I feel like I know all the answers and none, simultaneously. 
The bottom line is - Same girl as at the restaurant as at home, just (and I know you may doubt this) when I got home, I realized I couldn't be selfish anymore. I couldn't just be with you to 'keep' you here. It isn't fair to you. I didn't want to stay with you knowing that I would, yet again, break your heart.
That was the face change - that was the solemn realization that I had. I am sorry. I am very very sorry.

I had to cut it out.

We tried. For a moment. I tried to like salmon, again. But still, I do not.
And on a walk with my Malibu Bad Ass yesterday, looking at all the beautiful houses, and the smaller more modest ones as well, I could not picture the F and I standing in front of one. I could never 'see' us in the future together; with him, with all his love - it still seemed too unattainable, too far away.

No joke, this is in my neighborhood.
And this is not what I meant by 'unattainable'.
I'm talking more single story bungalow, ya know?

Though, on a lighter note: I am centered again, I've been showering regularily, walking again, fun to be around again, and happy again.
Why?
Well, I got a job.
I start Monday.

So hopefully, it will be a company I can grow with & allthatandyaddayadda.
Fucking finally.