(re)Evaluation.

So, the F 'stumbled' across my little project the other day.

F.

He had known about it, and had read excerpts from it when I felt that it better explained what I was feeling than I could articulate. But he had never read it in its entirety and well... I can't imagine stumbling across an entire in depth timeline of a relationship I was in; things written in anger, things written in happiness, things that were never said outloud to me; but were written in a public forum for everyone else to read.

Shield your eyes, kids!!!

I would crumble.
I have been thinking over the past day, after doing a quick re-read on all things F, most posts long forgotten, and I realized that I have been a bit blinded by my own selfishness, I never considered how my words in this thing could effect another. The F is not mad, per se, but he definitely now has a better understanding of how he hurt me in the beginning and how back and forth I have been (and why) in regards to him. Basically, I feel terrible that I hadn't ever considered how this expose of sorts could hurt.
Words sting; and these are words written for others to read - The bad can stay with you, can point out that your own personal fears about your own shortcomings are seen by others, that they notice them too, that it's not just you...
We are never as opaque as we hope we are. 
I told MMM - in the vaguest terms possible -  on our second date about this project of mine. We never spoke of it again. But last night, after having learned that the F had read what I written about him, I brought it up to M again.
His response?

Yes, I remember. And it's never very far from my mind.

That surprised me.
I explained to him what had happened with Apt F, and how hurtful my words may have been, and how upset I was at hurting someone's feelings, and yaddayaddayadda and explained that though I have never written a sour word about him, I would never ever want him to read what I have written and be saddened by it.

How did I not see this coming?
Also, go see Moonrise Kingdom.
It resonates with the melancholy 12 year old in me.

Much like why I didn't want the F to read it.
Also, do I really want M to know about every single person I have dated in the past year and a half?
No.
Nor do I want him to have insight on the intensity of my feelings for others, as even though they are past, just like I don't want to know about how in love he was was with whomever it was he was in love with.
This has been a nearly no holds barred outlet for me. 
This has been my avenue for self exploration, for storytelling, for figuring shit out. 
But, in my conversation with M, and my exploitation of F, I feel as though I may need to seriously reevaluate Style & Saturn Return. 
I mean, I'm not technically even in my Saturn's Return anymore.
M and I have had conversations about honesty, and mutual respect for our own privacy (full disclosure: I wish I could get away with pronouncing it 'Priv-issy') but at this fork in the road, I have found myself wondering how public I want my life to be. 
How much of my relationship with M do I want give away? 

It was one thing when I was single, trying to maneuver a life I had never led before; finding solace in the parallels of my existence to others'. 
But I am not alone, I never was, and I most certainly am not alone anymore.


I explained to M all these things, and we had a long talk about (in the vaguest terms possible) whether or not I really need a blog about dating & being single, when... Dot dot dot. 
We left each sentence at that: dot dot dot.
I mean, who really knows what the future holds...? I sure as hell don't. 
But, I know what I feel, and I know what it could hold.
M did not ask me to not write as I do, he would never, he just pointed out that it's purpose may need some re-evaluation. 
And, I agree.


Simply put, when I asked him weeks ago out of the blue, before any talk of - well, anything really...
When I asked him,

This is Something, isn't it?

He responded with a simple Yes. 

This Something is Real.
And this Something is Ours. 
Ours, Alone.

Mind you, I am not going to stop this blog altogether. 
I just probably will not write about my relationship with M as in depth as I have in the past. 
Which, I can imagine, is fine. Relationships, especially happy ones, can be quite mundane. 
I am probably going to simply focus on more abstract ideas and/or more aesthetics. 
Or both. 
I mean, truly, that was my original intention for this blog anyway. See above 'Musings + Inspirations'.  No mention of 'Dating'.


And to the F, if you're reading, please stop. 
No, but seriously, I am sorry. 
You are my dearest friend and I love you. 
And I am so sorry. 
Now, click the 'Back' button. 
YaKayThanks.