Outbound.

 'I really like who we have grown up to be.'

I Just Google'd How to Spell 'Bored'. 'Happy' I Know By Heart.

They opened a Crossroads Exchange across from mine and Jim's house.
My life is complete now.
No, but seriously. I feel that way.

Also, is it just me, or if the dude in a picture (or life, or whatever) is too good looking, the whole thing comes off as contrived?

Your chiseled good looks are ruining the shot, man. 
Also, maybe this is why I love Jim's crooked bottom teeth.

I'm addicted to eBay.
I'm the highest bidder on a Galliano fan (as in, 'the vapors!') at the moment. 

I'm happy & bored & having a dinner guest tonight.
Which reminds me, Jim's parents saw the place for the first time last weekend, and it was so nice to see them so happy for their son. There was such a sense of pride in the way they looked at the place, and it was fun to watch them walk through and seeing it through their eyes. It also, and  this is weird to say, but I feel it, it made me feel like they knew that I am 'taking good care of their son'. Like somehow the outside reflects the inside; the happiness, the love, the care. I know the above is a bit of an antiquated concept, 'I'm taking good care of him, over here!' but it still made me feel good to sense that it was coming across. That and his parents think I have very good taste, so that was pretty awesome too.

Speaking of taste, what am I going to make for dinner?

Balloon.

I feel like... 

I finally have what I've always wanted; and have been asking the universe for - demanding from it, really... 

A couch, a bathtub & a Boy. 

A love that grows for that Boy; that has a ever expanding charge - like the universe is ever expanding. 

Sometimes, I feel as though maybe it's hit its stride; I have a moment of 'This is it. This is a Whole Love.' 

And then it grows more. 

And then, again. 

It matures. 

We've hit points of melancholy, or fits of giggles, and It grows yet again.

I wake up and tell him I love him, and I mean it more than I did yesterday.

Even though, yesterday I did not think I could love him more.

Ali McGraw Was All Wrong.

Oh, the arrogance that comes along 

with an apology that one is not expecting.

I once asked my Dad if it would be arrogant of me to find my first love and apologize for breaking his heart.

His simple answer - as Dad's are apt to give - was, 'Yes.'

Down The Rabbit Hole.

I fell down a rabbit hole today.
Down down down to the depths of the well organized and nearly hidden old photo folders on my laptop.
Pictures from my 28th Birthday Party.
Pictures of people I don't know anymore, of a girl who doesn't exist anymore.
I wore my hair like that? 
It was odd, I don't even look like the same girl anymore; my face is thinner now, older.
My hair is shorter now. I look uncomfortable in the photos.
The people in the pictures are strangers, with the exception of Bjiou.
And my sisters, of course.

It felt as though I was looking at someone else's life.
It looked nothing like Now.

GOOP's Got Nothin' On Us.

Okay, okay... Perhaps I exaggerate a tad.
But! Jim & I have officially become Those People. 
No no, not People With More Than 2 Cats.
People who Do Things.
Or, conversely, total and complete dorks.
Don't laugh at us, laugh with us.

Here's why, exactly.
Introducing...
Well, just follow the link and you'll see: J&DDT.

The Lies We Tell Ourselves.

Text to Bijou:

Everytime I find myself looking at wedding shit on pinterest I fight to urge to shout, to no one in particular,

I swear, I'm just holding it for a friend!

An Oprah Moment.

Full Disclosure.

The MMM hasn't a mustache any more.
Nor does he drive an M series, its something else by Beamer, an 'S' series something.
Though, he's still a bit mysterious.
So, the MMM isn't really fitting, now is it?
His name is Jim.

Sweet Satisfaction.

A Wise Woman said to me, via IM today, after a catch up & fill in session,

'We are adults! We used to borrow keg taps now we borrow paint primer.'

Or...

Catsup? Ketchup? Cat Soup?

Kat Moss has many admirers.

So... I've been at my own apartment the past couple days.
You see, I've spent so much time at MMM's in the last month, that I was starting to feel a little guilty leaving Kat Moss alone so much. I mean she's already moody, and from a broken home, so she needs a little extra attention. I mentioned this to MMM, and he invited her to move in with him.

'I don't vant to be alone.'

I laughed and explained that his own cat (who looks more like a twenty five pound feline pot-belly pig) would eat my three pound gamine beauty of a supermodel kat.
That and, hel-lo! Who would snuggle with me when I was staying at my own place??
The exchange freaked me a out a little, it being right on the heels of our first double date with his friends and a breif conversation of exclusivity.
And then he asked my cat to move in?
Whoa whoa whoa.


In other 'News', Goldi and I went for a quick drink with some chips & salsa on the side the other day, and I warned her beforehand that I was in full 'Lady Gear' before we went - black pumps, cream pencil skirt, black turtleneck, skinny belt, low ponytail, newspaper decopage pearl necklace, the whole shebang...
It was such an extreme divergence(?) from my usual faire of cutoffs and neon bras, and of course we ran into a half a dozen of the Ex's friends and other acquaintances.
At first I was only recognized after a double take. It was nice to see them all; that is the nice thing about the Ex's friends, they are always so sweet, and they all came outside for a hug and an introduction to Goldi.
But it felt good for them all to see me SoooooPutTogether, calm and gracious and all manners on a late afternoon sunny patio. I kind of liked the way I was treated, and think I may be incorporating that into my own personal look going forward.
Oh My God, It's Happening. The Cardigans Are Taking Over My Brain.

I'm a Laaaaaaddddyyyy.

I also found a new tumblr I like: Golden Peonies. ChChCheck It.

This weekend, in between nursing a very ill MMM back to health & catching his cold myself, I went to my Flame Haired Favorite's beachside bungalow Bachelorette Party in Laguna. It was such a treat to see one of my favorite people showered with love by all her friends and family, and it gave my an excused to wear one of my favorite sheer maxi shirtdresses like a grande 70's housewife. Before I left, I looked at MMM, lifted my arms in grande gesture and explained that the dress made me want to say things in a syrupy voice like,

'Weelllcome to our Hooome... Your keys go in this bowl, you'll find the drinks in the foyer and the grass is in the den.'

Her wedding is in Palm Springs in a couple of weeks, and it's gonna be Hot Capital H, and I don't know what to wear... So, that's my next: something I need to find a dress for.  

As for the F, I've got him on OkCupid, I'm taking him to Forever 21 for an affordable update to his threadbare wardrobe, and he has agreed to let me find an inexpensive way to decorate his apartment. I'd say 'redecorate', but it was never decorated in the first place...

With just a couple of updates - a plush white duvet cover, drapery, a couple of pieces of framed art, and an inexpensive table and chairs set for his kitchen, and I think that he will enjoy his surroundings more, and be more inclined to put himself out there to meet someone new if he's not ashamed of where he lives. 

We are going for a beachy, surfery vibe, whites and blues and easy. 

So it hasn't been an especially eventful week, nor an especially interesting one, but sometimes that's okay. I have Flame's weeding in a little less than two weeks, I'm seeing MMM tonight and have work for the rest of the week. I'm happy, a little stressed, but in a very good way. I felt a little like the MMM and I were on an accelerated fast track, and I kind of want to just take it down a notch, justalittle. I hadn't seen my friends in a couple weeks (Goldi & Beauty were both out of town for the past two weekends, so what felt like me missing out wasn't, but still) and I just want to remember to have my own space and time for Me. I just can't forget about that, and I have in the past, and it's not a mistake I want to make again. So the pause was not for lack of Like-Liking MMM, just a way of taking some time to get back to 'Me'-dom. To vaccuum my apartment, enjoy my little cafe across the street, give myself a home facial and cuddle with my own kitty.

I just need some ME ME ME time.

Also, if you want to find me on Pinterest here's the link to My Pinterest.

Ideski Oatni.

I am liking my new job. A lot.
I went on a date last night. It went well.
Things are coming together; job, life, friends, brain; it's all cohesive again.
There is something to be said about feeling In Control again. I can't describe it well, but it feels like my synapses, my left brain and my right, they're glued back together. I'm learning quick at the new shop, and exceeding my own expectations by quite a bit. I grabbed dinner with girlfriends tonight, recounted my date from last night and showed off my tan from from yesterday. The F climbed his mountain, and came back my best friend. Renewed and confident, he and I haven't been nearly as co-dependent since his rock and my job.
I'm no longer fearing the cute cardigans.
Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually looking forward to them.

Humbug.

I am having one of those days where I just want to delete my facebook, close my okcupid account, and start like living off the land, or something.
Get off the grid.
I'm stressed, I'm annoyed & I just don't want to do anything.
Oh, and the third date with the Mathematician was fine.
But for sure, our last.

The Mean Reds.

I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it — to be fed so much love I couldn’t take any more. Just once.

Haruki Murakami

I also just remembered why I hate dating people the I actually Spark with.
Because.... Vulnerability is about as comfortable as a discount futon.

A Burro List.

A Collective List of Things I Do Too Often:

Cursing people for getting married and/or pregnant on Facebook.
Explaining to people that 'I'm never getting married and/or pregnant'.
Googlestalking.
Thinking my own thoughts in 'Status Update' form.
Painting my nails.
Reading about television shows I just watched on the internet.
Wondering if I am more or less like Zooey Deschanel than I think I am.
Wondering if I am anything like Zooey Deschanel at all.
Complaining that my back hurts.
Wondering what people aren't telling me.

Wondering if the subtle humor in my text messages was noted, or if I just came off as an asshole.
Telling myself not to say certain things outloud.
Saying those things outloud.
Not calling my family.
Being annoyed with my family.
Wondering why my family never calls.
Wondering who the heck is reading this.
Hating the fact that I only own one spoon.
Being too cheap to buy more spoons.
Not going to the beach.
Wondering what I'd look like blonde.
Internalizing song lyrics.
Internalizing novels.
Internalizing.
Projecting.
Thinking 'I should go to the beach' when it's too late in the day for it to be warm at the beach.
Leaving situations thinking the same thing I think after sending a questionably humorous text message.
Feeling like an asshole.
Feeling like an ass.

I either have to work on not feeling this way at all and/or stop feeling like a jerk for thinking this shit in the first place.
OkayYaI'mDone.

Sightnotes.

I want to redecorate.

My apartment.

The Mathematician's apartment.*

*We had our second date last weekend. He made me tacos at his house, and we drank wine out of teacups. It was wonderful. Like a crazy person, at home the next morning, I imagined marrying him while I was in the shower. I imagined him becoming my best friend and teaching me all sorts of wonderful things, and looking up in his big blue eyes... Women are insane, by the way.  

  

And I, with the help of our Fourth Addition, redecorated Beauty's living room (it's now quite cozy, and actually looks like a living room.)

Perhaps even the idea of falling in love is making me want to nest.

The Mathematician and I are going to an exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary Art tomorrow, and he promises to explain hologram people to me. 

Because he can.

And last weekend, after dinner, we went out to drinks, and everytime he held me, all I could think was, 

'I want to be yours.'

Photos: Most of them are from my newest obsession of a inspiration blog:

 coco + kelley.