Party Hats & Dancing Shoes (or, F! I'm Going To Be 30).

Her name gasped in the night. One last word of a dying man.

But one word that tells a thousand stories of a woman who left her mark on every man she met.

I found this quote & it really resonated with me. I don't know who said it, but it gave me chills, and it reminded me of that look that my Dutchman used to give me & of my wondering what the montage of my life would look like at its end, and who would include me in their own. And you know, as Thirty approaches (quicker than I had expected), it has struck me that I have no idea who will include me in their montage; because, the reality is - whether our lives be long or short, the way we touch people and they in return touch us, is wholly experienced on an individual level. In short, I think we leave our imprints on people without even realizing it, and many leave theirs on us without ever realizing it. Men and women, alike.

So here I am, nearing thirty, and astrologically coming to the end of my Saturn's Return, thinking to myself, 

Chapter 30, Volume 1.



What's next? What's my next adventure? What will be my next addition to my thousand stories? Whats the next thing that will inevitably end up in My Montage - or in someone else's? What will be the next chapter in the 'Folklore of my Life'? 

I have made leaps and bounds this year in many ways internally, and am starting to make headway into the external improvements I have to make as well. I have goals, I have imprints left with me and imprints left to give. I am slowly but surely digging myself out of the complacent hole that the ostrich in me has buried her head in.

I have a dear friend who speaks to me with such excitement when we talk about what I have been going through in the past year, with singledom and friends and work annd yadda yadda yadda, because I know she sees herself at 29 so strongly in me. Where she was at my age is verrrrry similar to where I am now; she and I have had parallel experiences in many ways - and for me, to see her where she is in this moment, the direction her life as gone in since turning thirty - it shows me how much can change in a matter of a year, or two or three. In such a wonderful way. From what I remember her telling me, she had a great 30th birthday surrounded by friends, at the time living in a studio in Hollywood and an exciting life of singledom. And she is now - only a few short years later, successful, living in a beautiful home (with a backyard) and engaged to a terrific guy who suits her perfectly. I already knew that things could change in a matter of a chance meeting or a single great decision, but she is even more walking proof of that we really cannot predict the future, but with positive actions, and by being surrounded by loving people, we can at least attempt a little control as to where it ends up.

She & I, we're a funny combination in conversation, as our brains use the same non-linear way of communication, we go in loops. I'll say one thing, & it'll spark something in her head and she'll tell me a story or thought of her own that relates to mine and I'll hook onto something she said and once she's done there I am relating myself to her thought. We joke about this we talk; the way we internalize what other has to say into our own experiences... We share, we share share share and then inevitably, we Dance.



Thaaaat's gonna leave a mark.



And I do believe, the imprints left by our dancin' shoes (or lack thereof) will be there forever in my story; like the dinosaur's footprints, or the mark of the hole my internal ostrich buried her head in for many many years.

So I'm turning Thirty, and I am willing myself to be excited. To look at it as a leap towards an even better existence. I mean, I am happy, I have great friends, I have a lot to be thankful for and I have hope for the future. I do believe that the next couple months are going to be game changers - actually, I am determined to make sure they are - because, though I am not going to be able to swing my original goal for Thirty (head off to Europe), I don't think its a total failure that I didn't. (I did get a pair of Louboutins, which was my other goal - though deeply discounted, I still got 'em.) And I have a couple friends, like the Flame-Haired Dancing Queen from above, or my Anchoring Ex-Shopgirl, who like me, entered their thirties in a world of in-between-ness, and have since created lives for themselves that are, now, nothing of the sort.

The Beauty of the In-Between.

And the imprints of the In-Between are what have made them who they are today.

I do think the best is yet to come, where me & my wonderful world of being
In-Between meets Adulthood, or whatever it's called.

The kind of Adulthood where you're not afraid to check the mail.

The kind where you can afford to send yourself to Europe. Or take a vacation in general.

Or get an oil change when you're actually supposed to get an oil change.
Or do all other things responsible adults do before they put on their dancing shoes.

So fuckit.

Bring it on, 3-0.

I will have this dance, thankyouverymuch.

Sidenote: I don't know what I am going to do for my actual birthday; I don't necessarily want to go Big, ifyaknowhatImean, but I want to do something.
But also, not the sort of something that basically means, 'Hey friends, come buy me dinner'.
Hell, I'll probably go dancing.

Edit: The top quote is from Mildred Peirce, which makes sense. I loved that story.