The Cheese Has Left the Band. (Or, Why I Am Not The Cheese.)

Goldi got her Just Right in her Doctor.
Beauty rid herself of her Beast.
My Best Friend in San Francisco moved in with her beau.
My Other Best Friend in San Francisco apparently found her Man with an Accent.

I, on the other hand, took none of my own advice; I, on the other hand, have come right back to where I started: Complacent in a relationship that I know - in the long run - ain't gonna get me No Satisfaction*.

*Fucking Mick Jagger, he got me good again. 

I have become 'content' with again having no boundaries - we spend every night together, most of those nights he's asleep by 8:30.
And, after a year of whining & pining for The Spark, after a year of feeling like I Sparkle, I am now coming to the hard realization that I...

Stand Alone?
Nope. Not me.

...That I settled right back into a relationship with someone because I needed the comfort of Someone.
Anyone.
The hard realization that...
I am not the cheese.
I can't stand to be alone.
And the truth of the matter is, fifty percent of the time I am spending with my boyfriend, I adore him. They other half, I am thinking to myself,

'How much longer can I do this?'

I hate these feelings; I feel like a fraud.
Because, I do have so much Love for him, but I am not in love with him. And I have - in the five months or so that we have been together, led him (and to some degree, myself) to believe I do. He and I - on the subject of Goldi, who does like him, but knows he is not for me in the long run - have argued, to the point where he barked,

'Oh so she went and 'got herself' a Doctor boyfriend and now that makes me not good enough for you?!?'

And the (VERY) simplified answer is: Yes.
Not because my best friend went and 'got herself' a Doctor.
But because she and I were on a trajectory path towards quality over - well, most of our past serious relationships, and she kept on track while I kept on marching up those damn stairs night after night. So no, obviously, it's not that my friend is dating 'a Doctor' & now I have to too, it's way more (and far less superficial) than that. My best friend is dating a wonderful man who thinks the world of her, puts her before himself and is the perfect compliment to her.
And she does the same for him.
So is not the case with Apartment F and I.
I used to have a List, I had my windmills in place, and then out of fear or impatience, or simply just the comfort of having Someone, I let myself fall into a relationship that did not force me to...
Be alone.
Or better myself.
Or get out of my comfort zone.

I was the girl that the Dutchman came back for.

Why can't I be comfortable in her position?

I was the girl who asked of the world to be treated like a queen, for flowers and showers of affection, and sometimes got her heart broken, and who sometimes broke hearts.
And for a spell, I was the girl, who was patient enough to wait for another Gentleman to cross my path.
That was my trajectory.
Instead, I have settled for a man who, more often than not, I roll my eyes at, bore my friends and blog with complaints about; a man who is absolutely not what I want in the long run.
Who I don't have the Spark with.
Who doesn't switch me ON.
Who I am rarely, barely attracted to.
And again, I am at a loss as to how to end it. He lives upstairs for God's sake. I tried once, and I was lured - eh, lulled - back into it with tears and pleading and compliments about my intelligence.
My last birthday, I was still dating the Aussie - and I think back affectionately to that night. Of my love for that driven wanderlust of a man, of a table at the finest steak house in the city, to a bottle of $200 Pinot Noir & to flowers sent my store. To sitting next to one another in a booth, unable to stop from kissing one another.
To my favorite part of my twenty-ninth birthday, when I looked at him and said,

'If I weren't one half of us, I'd hate us.'

To which he agreed, laughing. Now, I know now that I was not ready, open, or able to be my best version of myself in that relationship, but did I not sing from the rafters at the top of my lungs after that that I would accept nothing less afterwards? I did; and then - I, apparently, left that band.
And, to put things into perspective this time around: I don't even want my own boyfriend at my birthday.
(To be fair, my celebration is not on my actual birthday, and it's a girls-only sort of thing, but still...)
I feel like a fraud; for letting Apartment F fall in love with me, when I have known that as much as I love him, I am not In Love with him. 

I need someone who inspires me to be better,
who inspires me in general.

You know, in between the five minutes of electricity with my Secret Ex-Boyfriend this past weekend, the fond memories of my last birthday, and my frustration so often with Apt F - whether it be his friend's favorite things to do ('escape their wives'), his perpetual problems with money & drive, or just a general annoyance with him - I just don't understand why I am hanging onto this relationship; other than for the fear of being alone - especially when I am unemployed and alone for a better part of everyday, and the fear of hurting someone I care about. Because, even with all of the above: I do care about him.
But we lack the Spark.
It is lackluster.
But though it does not sparkle - it is still comfortable.
I've allowed myself to be complacent, yet again.
I don't know what to do. It's not as simple as breaking up, it never is.
And the worst part of it is - that I know if I had someone else waiting in the wings, I'd have no problem getting out. However, I don't.
And, I'm just comfortable enough that I have no desire to be looking.
No wandering eye, no side projects, no other Farmer and the Dell.
Letmetellyou, I'm uninspired in more ways than one.


Yet... I don't want to hurt him.
And... I don't want to be alone.


I can't stand to be alone.
I am not the cheese.
The cheese stands alone.



I'm afraid to break up the Band; I don't know if I can handle a Solo Career right now.
Especially considering I don't even have a job.