Option C & Apartment C. (Or, Why Can't Life Be Multiple Choice?)

You know what the proverbial 'They' say:

Intelligent people don't get bored.

Well, if that's the case, I must be an Idiot.

Option F?

I'm unfocused these days; everything other than this afternoon seems like years ago. It's only day three of start of the new year & I am, admittedly, quite bored with the state of affairs of my life. Once again, I feel like complacency has taken over on the relationship-front. And, although I have been actively trying to figure out the future of this year - diligently filling out applications, sending out my resume, networking as much as I can, ordering business cards in case some serious self-promotion needs to happen -  But when all is said & done at the day's end, I get in my car, drive home to my tiny room with a kitchen attached (which now has a man attached to it as well) flip on the television & turn off my brain. I miss the nights of sheer inspiration; of having something or someone amazing to write about. Whether it be a bad date, or an amazing patio conversation with a girlfriend. I mean, I could tell you about the entire day we spent over the weekend watching football with his friends or the fact that I didn't even stay up to see the ball drop on New Year's Eve - but believe me, I was as bored as you would be in me retelling it.

I looked cute on New Year's Eve - in my favorite white layered jersey dress, a denim shirt and taupe suede ankle strap pumps courtesy of my step mother; but really, I didn't care all too much.

Is there a saying about intelligence & indifference?*

*Hold on, let me google that.

Gone cold.

Nope.

There isn't, but there is some article making an analogy between emotional indifference and that water-dripped path we all make between washing our hands in public restrooms and finding the paper towels... Interesting.

But, like I do so very often... I digress.

My neighbor and I have even started fighting on occasion; it's a scary place when someone knows more about you than you've put out there in previous relationships; so as a result, he has more 'ammo' on me than I am used to - & at times, neither of us are very mature about it. And at this rate, we're certainly not going to stand the test of time.

But, if I am being honest with myself (and peripherally, you) I know where the real problem lies - and it's not entirely in the Boredom, or the Indifference, or the Test of Time.

Honestly, I want to end things with Apt F.

But I am:

A.) too cowardly to do it.
B.) feel like I don't have a 'good enough' reason to do it.
C.) waiting for a catalyst to give me a 'good enough' reason to do it.
D.) afraid of being alone after I do it.

Something I perfected in college, out of fear of well... the unknown, being an asshole, or simply just regretting the decision - was following the good ol', idiot-proof, college adage of,

 'When in doubt, go with C.'

Option C: Wait for a catalyst.*

*'C' could also stand for cowardice, Idon'tknowyoutellme.

Wait for him to fuck up just enough that I'll have nodoubtaboutit, or wait long enough for me to find a way to sabotage it - to pick a fight, or lean into a fight he's picking (See: this past Sunday.)

But there is one other problem, let's call it Option E.

And I'm not talking about, 'All of the above'. Not yet anyway.

Option E: that I am:

E.) emotionally attached to him.

The reality that I do, in fact, care for this friend. A lot. That I do take comfort in his sleeping embrace, in the eyes closed kissy face he makes as he falls asleep. That I want him to be happy; and that, other than being bored, I am happy (enough) when I am with him. That for now, I guess it is Satisfactory.



C for Ciao?



I wish it was just a simple as just ending it; but fuck, I am human.

And to err is human, right? Isn't that what They say?

The Option C isn't always the right option, but there is no pass or fail option in Life.

You don't get to the pearly gates of Heaven (orwhateveritis) and get a letter grade.

Right? Right?!

Well, I sure as Hell hope not.

Sidenotes: Couple things I do know about what I want for 2012:

To drink more water and to get fast food less.

To make more money, and to not get any parking tickets.

Also, I'm going to be thirty. This year I am going to be thirty.