Toy Boat. Toy Boat. Toy Boat.

change:

v. Make or become different.

Change.
Change.
Change.

You know when you say a word over and over and over again, it loses it's meaning and just becomes an odd formation of sounds - of vowels and consonants, of air going in through your mouth and air coming out. It changes. It becomes different.

Change
Chaaange.
Chhaaynjuh.

I keep getting asked,

When do you think it will hit you?

When will all this change hit me? Well, probably never. Because even though I am fully aware of my life in upheaval, of the massive changes going on around me in my life, the reality is, for me at least, whatever's happening in the Moment, whatever my Reality is, its the norm.
So it's never going to Bam! hit me just like that.
What is is.

Is.
Is.
Iszzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

So I'm out looking for a job. I have been working less. And finding ways to still feel the I am a productive Adult. And oddly, now I feel like I have even less time on my hands - haven't had time to blog, to veg, to relax. I've been literally forcing myself to be proactive, to do multiple things to catapult myself forward on a daily basis. 'Forcing' isn't the right word; in fact, it's come quite naturally. I am in 'survival' mode - but not in a frenzied, anxious way. In a centered & calm way. I am less stressed than I have been in months, I am content with my life.
I have realized that I am a very different person than I was even when I started this little project.
I am changed. I have made myself different.

And today.

I closed my store. My boss and I packed it up, darkened the windows, and walked away.

And it was hard, and it was a loss, and maybe no, it hasn't 'hit me' yet - It hasn't hit me that my little shop I loved so much isn't sitting there, somewhere overlooking the Pacific, full of clothes and waiting for me to come open it's doors in the morning. But it won't hit me because now the idea that my store isn't there is my reality. That change happened and now I'm on to the next thing.
There is no shop.
Everything is so different now.

The thing that has hit me is the idea that this whole time of change is in fact: My New Norm
.
These bits and peices, these changes, they became Me.
Me and my life and my Normal.
Having no store is on par with moving out of my old house.
Or being single after the Ex.
Or the life after the Classy Pact.
Or being the girl who got the Dutchman to come back.
Or the lists of 'things to do' in my planner.
Or having seen my neighbor with tears streaming down his cheeks.
These were all my normal within mere days. Sometimes seconds.
Oh good Lord, I now know the true meaning of,

 'the more things change the more things stay the same'.

Never the same from day to day.
Crazy idea, this 'Change' thang.

And, you know I broke up with Apartment F. And admittedly, I was off and running the first week without him, but somehow he and I have fallen into a Friendship again. A friendship that sometimes involves kissing. And sometimes involves crying. Okay, last Sunday he cried. Cried a lot.

He burst into tears when I told him the exact phrase he uttered that made me end our relationship (and is one that is not worth repeating).

Cried as he told me that I am the best part of his life, and he cannot bear to lose me, even if it means just being friends.

Cried as he told me that he wants to Change.

Wants to be different; asked if he changed & if he was different could we try again?
I said no.

He asked to stay the night a few nights ago. We had made dinner together and ate it together on the floor, side by side, while we watched TV and he wanted to stay. I allowed it, but warned him that if he snored, I was kicking him out. And I was serious. And he seriously snores. Loudly.

OhgoodLorddoesthatmansnore.
But when he slept beside me that night as I furiously read the second installment of The Hunger Games (oh my God, you have to read it) - CanIJustTellYou, that man did not make a sound. He slept silently, not a peep, honk or sigh out of him. And it blew my mind, the idea that - psychologically and mentally he still wants to be with me, and that he loves me enough to not be anything more than friends who occassionally kiss but usually do not - even on a physiological level, his body does too. His sleeping mind and his physical body stopped him from snoring so he would be allowed to sleep next to me. Changed himsef to be next to me.

And no, don't worry - this isn't some forshadowing or hint at us getting back together, but I do need him right now. And he needs me. That hasn't changed. Only the extent and level to which we are accountable to one another has changed. and for the time being, that is working.

I've apparently now ascribe
to the 'Man Repellent' theory of
Getting Dressed in the Morning.

I have also been sort of actively online dating again. So, that should be interesting. I am currently emailing back and forth with a thirty three year old Medical somethingorother rep who is the first person - this go around - who I was interested in enough to email first. (At 3am, after a 16 hour workday. Ha!) And, no, I do not know what will happen between Apartment F & I when I actually begin dating again, or how our dynamic will change. And, no, I'm not too excited to find out. But find out we will. The funniest thing is about this whole past month of change and all that is the fact that, for the first time in - well, as long as I can remember - I don't have a roaming eye. I'm not walking through the world going, 'Oooooh... Who is he? I will make him want meeeeeeeeeeee!' I have so much on my plate right now, that when I am out with my friends, I am with them, and I can't be bothered to find someone to set my sights on. Add to that, I don't go to bar-bars anymore (unless I'm with my friends, and they are my focus), so I'm not meeting guys out and about either. And honestly, as Goldi will tell you, the need for attentions over being attentive to mis amigas was one of the most annoying things about me for a long time. I'm actually very content with me, my friends and my new norm. And, online dating is different (Oh, the good ol' 'Sexy Facebook') because it's just that - something I can do from the comfort of my alone time, in bed, in between sending resumes and status updates.

Everything is changing.
Everything is different.
Nothing will ever be the same.

But in reality, that is the truth of every day.
Of every hour.
Of every moment.

What is, is.
But only in this instant.
And, I think I am okay with that.

So... Yeah, there you have it - The Rambling Woman strikes again.
I practically had to catch myself up on my own life. (Deeeeeep, man.)

Sidenote: After thinking about this post, and thoroughly hating it, I realized I could have summed the whole goddamn thing up in like two sentences:
'The store closed & I'm looking for a job. In the meantime - though most of my free time is spent with my friends, I'm still spending time with Apartment F while throwing feelers out into the dating world.' 

And you know when all these changes'll hit me? When it feels like I'm hitting my head against a wall. Or kicking dead horse. Which, you know, whether it be dating or job hunting, will happen. Yet even then - that frustration will, in that moment - be the Norm.