Full Disclosure.

The MMM hasn't a mustache any more.
Nor does he drive an M series, its something else by Beamer, an 'S' series something.
Though, he's still a bit mysterious.
So, the MMM isn't really fitting, now is it?
His name is Jim.

My Not My House Home.

So, I'm lounging here, with hot coffee in a mug and Bon Iver playing on my itunes, reading recaps and pinning pins, and I feel so... Comfortable.
I'm at home. Even though it is not technically mine, I would much rather be here, with a couch and a bed, and the energy that has built up in this newish condo in suburban Irvine between me and M. Here, we are happy.
Here, we lounge watching Our Shows, with Our Cats, and Our Vera Wang hi ball tumblers that we found at Home Goods together for $4 a piece. Here, we has quite literally created a space that is just that, Ours.
And though we have not been together long, and though I still (and will) have my own place far away at the beach, this space have become a combination of both our tastes.
Modern and new, mixed with vintage and old. The whimsy of a boy who spent some time in college staring at lava lamps and listening to Jimi Handrix, with the hints of a girl with likes to decorate with books and flowers, and has done so since college. I mean it's his place, so it is reflective of both his grown up tastes (that light fixture, dark woods) & and his boyish good nature (Math Art! Lime Green! Psuedopsychedelic prints), but its come together well.

Remember his old place?
When I walked in, and thought 'This guy needs a girlfriend.'
Well... He has one now.
This is my Not My House Home.
And I love it.
So, I snapped some pictures. Bear in mind, I'm in Irvine.
And its not done.
And I am no magician.
I arrived at a shell: a couch, a coffee table and a dining room table.
Oh, and a God awful brass light fixture over the dining room table.
We've done everything as a team, together.
Next up: the closet and then the bathroom.
Though, I did ask if he still wanted to do his orginal (teal/Casbah-inspired) idea for the bathroom last night and he looked at me and sweetly said, 'No. Do whatever you want.'

The Living Room (I originally wrote: The Loving Room, which was a mistake, but Hmmm...)

Mug, coffee filled.
Pillows, Restoration Hardware.
Shelf, Ikea - with findings from life, Ikea, Anthro.
Wine crate, gift from my old shop.
One of my favorite things ever.

Coffee Table book purchased on our way home from Palm Springs,
at the James Perse outlet.
It is not, in fact, by James Perse but only
JP-Approved.
Kate Spade 5 Burroughs coaster.

Why yes, that is a First Edition book of Poems.
Yes, M has read them aloud to me.

Over the Fireplace.

Behind the front door.
This is the sconce that prompted the balance conversation.
Anthro, for like thirty two bucks.

Vintage Bar Cart, also from the old shop.
Now serving as a valet stand & bookcase by the front door.
Yes, I have moved some of my furniture in.

Dining Area.

He gets flowers every weekend while I am at work.
The checkers always ask if he is trying to 'get out of the doghouse?'
'No, I just like fresh flowers...'

Dining area. That light fixture is what started it all.
Yes, those are 'Math' paintings.
Left to his own devices on Etsy.

Bedroom.

Kat Moss' new digs.
Johnathon Adler lamps.
(We have since moved the picture up about five inches.)

So its colorful, its a little irreverent (?)
...and it finally feels like people live here.
Because, they do.
Happily.
With two cats.

Sweet Satisfaction.

A Wise Woman said to me, via IM today, after a catch up & fill in session,

'We are adults! We used to borrow keg taps now we borrow paint primer.'

Or...

Lazy Girl.

I gave myself permission to spend the entire day bouncing between Pinterest, facebook & tumblr, all while doing my nails, putting off doing my hair, listening to Lana Del Rey, washing my white jeans to wear on my daily day off trip to TJ Maxx and drinking many many cups of black coffee.
Don't worry Mom, I also had a bagel & cream cheese.
I am being Lazy and Content in my Not My House Home.
I'm slowly cleaning up, though the place is so clean from my last day off on Monday, M cancelled his cleaning lady for the day.
Actually, I'm gonna take some pictures.
In a bit.

Geometrics.

One of the best things about M is that after writing it all down yesterday, and feeling the catharsis that comes along with putting all my thoughts into one cohesive idea (rant, ramble, what you will), is that after all that & the fear and the insecurity - the best thing about Us is that I can tell him all of it. I can tell him about the fear, and the writing, and the general ease I feel now after writing, and he just smiles and understands and loves me.

'The way I feel about it, he said, is that if we [our relationship] were a graph, it would start here (he motioned with his arm) and just keep going up.'

Without belittling me, or my feelings, but while still letting me know that, at this point on the graph, my fear is unwarranted, and simply that - just a fear.

And I feel better.
Whole.
I am happy.
And in Love.
And I deserve to be.

Also, Goldi's Golden Birthday is approaching... 
We need ideas for a Birthday Party. 

the Fear.

I'm at a crux.
I don't know if thats the word for it, really, but it seems to do, so go with it.
So, I'm at a crux.
Not with M (who these days is sans mustache) but with myself within the relationship. Its odd, because from the get go I have been 'myself' with him, and we have something truly wonderful and open and grown up with our relationship. But, after over two months of dating, and essentially living with him in his condo that we decorated, I am starting to feel... The Fear.
The Fear of losing something so wonderful. These little tentacles of insecurity creeping up and over and onto me, my thoughts, my hugs, my kisses. When we first started dating, I would abstain from talking about him too much, getting bitchy at anyone who even mentioned the 'L' Word, panicking at the thought of all this and all that, panicking at the thought of jinxing something so wonderful.
My friends even asked if  'I was into this guy'.
I was.
And yet, we moved forward, sweetly and wonderfully and into the world of whispered I love you's and I love you very much so's.

And now I am terrified. Not of what I was once so afraid of - letting someone in, letting something be real, being responsible for someone else's happiness. But I am terrified of losing him, losing this. Of him changing his mind, and falling out of love with me.
Maybe, at my core, thats what I was afraid of all along.
I can't have another man walk in and say he's changed his mind. 
I hate that I have easily and without fear put so much on to Us.
No that isn't true, I don't hate it.
I love it. But it scares the bajeezus out of me - the idea of losing that.
I told him not long ago,

'... I know that everything won't always be perfect, that's just the way the world works. Sometimes bad things happen, and I feel as though we are building the strong base for a relationship that can withstand the bad things that the world may throw our way. And I feel like we'll always have this time to look back at, when everything was perfect.I feel like we are building a strong base for a future together, and for the first time in my life, that doesn't scare the shit out of me.'

(Oh, the eloquence.)
But in the last week or so, maybe because I have been essentially living with him, as has Kat Moss, I have felt the fear creeping in. The fear of loss, the fear of risking loss. I don't know what the Fear is really, but its there and all I want to do is talk about it ad naseum, talk about my feelings and emotions and yaddayaddayadda, but then I stop, because I get afraid of those making me lose him too.
One of the best things about our relationship is that we've 'always been on the same page', without much conversation about. There was never that discount futon uncomfortable vulnerability that I'd experienced before; there was time, and dialogue, and care and the building of something together. From getting him out of that damn house and into his condo (which is now near completion, with redoing the closet next on the list) and getting me over my weird hang ups about - well, everything - we've done it with ease and grace.
Its moved fast, but at an adult speed.
But I can't help feeling these insecurities take over. I don't know why I started doubting my lovability again, but I kind of did. Like one false step, and the jinx'll set in.
Maybe my lack of outlet, maybe my lack of Me time with my girlfriends has something to do with it; maybe I need a little more of both in my life.
Here's the thing, with my cat at his house (it was not fair, her alone in the Tiny Room all the time) and the fact that his house is 1. much biggger (he has a couch you guys! A couch! And a bath tub!) and 2. generally more comfortable (see: couch, tub, coffee maker, fridge full of sugar free Redbulls, and fresh flowers everywhere and 3. it feels like 'Ours'. We decorated it, we've made it ours. We call it 'Home'.

But, when all is said and done, my Home is a catless mint green studio apartment 35 miles away, with month old dirty dishes in the sink and a closet filled with winter clothes. My Home has started to feel like exactly what is was when I first moved in - an escape from something terrible. An escape from the Ex. And it was always meant to be a place of transition, and though I love it and all the wonderful beach town memories, and time with my girlfriends and my Dutchman, and everything, it never had the comfort of my place with the Ex, the apartment with shared for five years.
My Home was exactly as I've called it for the past two years: A Tiny Room with Kitchen Attached. Or, a glorified closet. And I don't live there anymore. Not for more than 45 minutes about once a week.
But, I've also said I won't move in with anyone else again, too fast or without a Certain Level of Commitment. And to a large degree I'm stickin' to that (except for the fact that I'm writing this from Our Bed right now, with my coffee on My Nightstand.)
So, there are some blurry lines there already.

For someone so happy (which I am) I hate that I am so afraid.
Not afraid to Love, because I do, with all my heart.
Not afraid to see a future with someone, because I see it with clarity.
And for the first time in my adult life, it doesn't scare the shit outta me.

The Fear I feel... Is the fear of being Wrong.
I guess.
Though, to be honest, I've never been wrong about this before. 
Because, I've never felt this way before.
I'm afraid of those things that I cannot control.
I'm afraid of him changing his mind.

I'm afraid it's gotta be jinxed or something.

But I'm pretty sure it's not.

Also, I think I am going to go back to this blog. I've missed it so.

New Beginnings.

thirty.score

I think I'm gonna play over here for a while.
(that's a link by the way)

Happy Endings.

Kat Moss has moved out.

My apartment, where I am now, my adorable little beachside room with a kitchen attached, looks like Roanoke.
Someone lives here, there are dirty dishes in the sink, paper strewn about, an empty pack of Parliments long forgotten sitting atop my nightstand.
But, no one is living here.
My home is simply a home for my clothes right now. As circumstance & convenience have me more and more at M's, and it being Our Creation, Our Place... My little bungalow, with all it's memories of F, and it's memories of last summer, and as a general Escape from my Past Life, it has become a shell.

A Shell of Saturn's Singledom.
Now, this is not exactly what I've wanted.
I love my little place, and my life here & have felt a bit alienated from it this week, as I've spent every night in Orange County.
But, when given the choice to drive home to my one room studio, or spend the evening with a man who rubs my feet, tells me he Loves me, and leaves a coffee cup ready to go in the Keurig before he leaves every morning, you can imagine which decision I am not hasty to make. But, coming here, for the first time, without my Kat waiting for me is a real reminder of how slowly but surely we are combining our lives.
Kat was sad and alone for most nights, with the F maybe stopping by to feed her until he no longer could, or would, it only made sense to bring her to M's.
M loves her too, and calls her 'Little One' and it makes me happy that we are all there, together, without worry.
But I can't help but feel like my last grip on any strand of singledom is gone.
Why am I afraid of that?

I'm afraid that if I do, I'll seem selfish.

Because I stood on a soap box for so long saying I would never rush into something like this, that I would never lose myself to a relationship again, that I can't help but feel a bit like a hypocrite.
And a circumstance and convenience go, I have no choice but to simply let go of that feeling right now.

I'm just afraid that I won't get the Girl's Night invites anymore for being disregarded as being with M.
I'm just afraid that I'm doing what I said I'd never do.
But most nights, when I have no invites or plans or am working late, the only thing I want to do is be in M's bed, watching old episodes of Happy Endings.

Ya know, I'm not afraid of my future with His as an Us, but I'm afraid that from the outside looking in, it will seem as though I am losing Me.


Also, I cut my hair. Short, above my shoulders.
It was time for a more Grown Up look.
And I had a Grown Up Fourth - work and then fireworks and dinner at the Montage in Laguna Beach. And while overlooking the Pacific, watching the bright lights, I realized that in two years, two July 4th's ago, my relationship with the Ex fell apart, everything went to shit that day. And that one July 4th ago marked my anniversary of my own independence. And that there, standing on that patio, with a man who has and is falling in love with me - and I him - that I have come so far in the past two years.
In two years, I have actually, really, truly, become a real life Grown Up.
And in turn, even with all  my empty nest syndromes and fears about missing out or moving on, I have fallen for a Grown Up.

Balancing Act.

There is a sconce I picked out for M's place; it's red and probably paper mâché - it is fashioned into a vertical rectangle, except for the lower right corner, which is asymmetrical and looks chipped off.
The other night, after lighting the candle, and admiring our handywork, he looked to me and said,

'I like the right corner. I like that it's different.' 

And I responded with,

'Thats what I like about Us. I bring out the less structured and more non-linear side of you. And you bring out a more structured me. We balance eachother.' 

To which he agreed.
Wholeheartedly.
I've met his brother.
The condo is nearly done.
I'm happy and spoiled and treated better and with more respect than I ever have been before.
And our Balance is no act.

My fourth of July was perfect, and I am Loved.

A Bit of Free Advice.

One of the most important things I've learned about dating men not in their Twenties?

Always keep antacids on hand.

Feel free to quote me on that.

Layer/Cake (or Dessert in the Desert).

This was posted on one of my favorite tumblrs this morning... It used to be one of my favorite songs, which speaks to where I was way back when. It reminded me of college, and of being twenty two and listening to melancholy alternative music in my kitchen while I did or did not do this dishes. 

This am: newly purchased men's James Perse sweatshirt,
Bright Eyes CD circa '04, coffee, 90210 reruns.

This lyrical reminder then led to a short hunt for my CD collection, and a trip back in time with my Bright Eyes CD collection. Which is funny, because as much as I love the music, it can't help but bring me right back to 22, and make me feel that same sense of uneasiness. 

It reminds me of all the layers and all the lifetimes I feel I have, that music has, that humans have, that Tuesday mornings have. 

That our synapses and senses and hearts and emotions give us the ability to have.
No wonder I had to stop listening to it on the regular. Makes me think too much.
I've been stressed lately about things juuuuuuuuust out of my control.
Though, other than that total lack of control, everything else is going well. M is good. Mmm mmm good.

Even with the heat, the crowd was Cool.

Watching two of my very favorite people get married this weekend was wonderful, to see their love come full circle has been an amazing sight to see. On our way to Palm Springs (in an unexpected turn of events, M drove out there with me, and we had our first - as Bridget Jones would say - mini break together), but on our way to Palm Springs, I was explaining to him how I came to know my Flame Haired Favorite, and it was amazing to be able to tell him that this couple, that they are the 'Real Deal'.  Their wedding was beautiful, and their wedding was also really Cool - a fashionable, edgier crowd than your normal run of the mill wedding crowds. Succulents and short ceremonies, a sweet champagne signature cocktail and a beautiful bride and groom; they are in love, and they are happy, and they are the perfect complement to one another. 

Congrats you guys. I love you.

Don't skip dessert.

I had a lot on my mind, and even though I was trying to relax over the weekend, I was ridden with a large amount of anxiety, coupled with the heat, and a in-progress attempt to curb my champagne intake on a larger scale; but even with all that, I was over the moon to see such a perfect couple celebrate their absolute perfection for one another. You know, I've oft wondered between all the on-paper 'lists' of 'what' I 'think' I want, and the reality of chemistry and timing, and my tendency to be so black and white, and my general fear  on being unlovable, and the myriad of other fears and strengths I have: I have often wondered when - or if - I would find someone who learned to know me - fears, strengths, weakness, pride and all - and love me for all that and more. ...And more being the stuff that I am not readily able to see about myself; the things that I do not even perceive, or the things that I do & secretly hope that no one notices. Not only have I wondered when/if I would find that, there is an other layer to what I am looking for entirely. The layer that knows and learns these things about me, and then in turn, complements them. Someone that knows my weakness, my fears and anxieties, and pushes me to strengthen myself, work towards overcoming my fears and anxieties, and, ultimately, brings out the best in me.
And most importantly, atop this layer, from my vantage point, is the part where I do the same for him.
The rest, the in-between, well, that's just frosting.
And ya know? I know that my friends - my beautiful Flame Haired Favorite, and her husband...
They have those layers.
They have the frosting.
They have their cake.
And they damn well get to eat it, too.

Now I gotta turn off this damn CD (well, now, it's in my iTunes! I'm so techy!) and get my ass out of the house. Though, to be fair, I like my studio right now - I've picked up some succulents and sunflowers and its clean. Me and Kat are just hangin'.

(re)Evaluation.

So, the F 'stumbled' across my little project the other day.

F.

He had known about it, and had read excerpts from it when I felt that it better explained what I was feeling than I could articulate. But he had never read it in its entirety and well... I can't imagine stumbling across an entire in depth timeline of a relationship I was in; things written in anger, things written in happiness, things that were never said outloud to me; but were written in a public forum for everyone else to read.

Shield your eyes, kids!!!

I would crumble.
I have been thinking over the past day, after doing a quick re-read on all things F, most posts long forgotten, and I realized that I have been a bit blinded by my own selfishness, I never considered how my words in this thing could effect another. The F is not mad, per se, but he definitely now has a better understanding of how he hurt me in the beginning and how back and forth I have been (and why) in regards to him. Basically, I feel terrible that I hadn't ever considered how this expose of sorts could hurt.
Words sting; and these are words written for others to read - The bad can stay with you, can point out that your own personal fears about your own shortcomings are seen by others, that they notice them too, that it's not just you...
We are never as opaque as we hope we are. 
I told MMM - in the vaguest terms possible -  on our second date about this project of mine. We never spoke of it again. But last night, after having learned that the F had read what I written about him, I brought it up to M again.
His response?

Yes, I remember. And it's never very far from my mind.

That surprised me.
I explained to him what had happened with Apt F, and how hurtful my words may have been, and how upset I was at hurting someone's feelings, and yaddayaddayadda and explained that though I have never written a sour word about him, I would never ever want him to read what I have written and be saddened by it.

How did I not see this coming?
Also, go see Moonrise Kingdom.
It resonates with the melancholy 12 year old in me.

Much like why I didn't want the F to read it.
Also, do I really want M to know about every single person I have dated in the past year and a half?
No.
Nor do I want him to have insight on the intensity of my feelings for others, as even though they are past, just like I don't want to know about how in love he was was with whomever it was he was in love with.
This has been a nearly no holds barred outlet for me. 
This has been my avenue for self exploration, for storytelling, for figuring shit out. 
But, in my conversation with M, and my exploitation of F, I feel as though I may need to seriously reevaluate Style & Saturn Return. 
I mean, I'm not technically even in my Saturn's Return anymore.
M and I have had conversations about honesty, and mutual respect for our own privacy (full disclosure: I wish I could get away with pronouncing it 'Priv-issy') but at this fork in the road, I have found myself wondering how public I want my life to be. 
How much of my relationship with M do I want give away? 

It was one thing when I was single, trying to maneuver a life I had never led before; finding solace in the parallels of my existence to others'. 
But I am not alone, I never was, and I most certainly am not alone anymore.


I explained to M all these things, and we had a long talk about (in the vaguest terms possible) whether or not I really need a blog about dating & being single, when... Dot dot dot. 
We left each sentence at that: dot dot dot.
I mean, who really knows what the future holds...? I sure as hell don't. 
But, I know what I feel, and I know what it could hold.
M did not ask me to not write as I do, he would never, he just pointed out that it's purpose may need some re-evaluation. 
And, I agree.


Simply put, when I asked him weeks ago out of the blue, before any talk of - well, anything really...
When I asked him,

This is Something, isn't it?

He responded with a simple Yes. 

This Something is Real.
And this Something is Ours. 
Ours, Alone.

Mind you, I am not going to stop this blog altogether. 
I just probably will not write about my relationship with M as in depth as I have in the past. 
Which, I can imagine, is fine. Relationships, especially happy ones, can be quite mundane. 
I am probably going to simply focus on more abstract ideas and/or more aesthetics. 
Or both. 
I mean, truly, that was my original intention for this blog anyway. See above 'Musings + Inspirations'.  No mention of 'Dating'.


And to the F, if you're reading, please stop. 
No, but seriously, I am sorry. 
You are my dearest friend and I love you. 
And I am so sorry. 
Now, click the 'Back' button. 
YaKayThanks.

(365) Days Since Summer.

In a few days time, it will have been one.whole.year since I met the Dutchman.
A whole year since that beautiful boy and I stood on the corner of the sidewalk on a warm summer's night, and he asked me quietly if he was going to fall in love with me.
It has been months since we've spoken, and I gather he has a new girlfriend.
But one year ago, I had a whole new world in front of me - I had the possibility of Far Off Places, of I'd do anything for Love, and a nearly tangible electrical current running between he and I.

I had notions of expatriation in my head and soft spoken I Love You's in my ears.
I would fall asleep thinking of him, wake thinking of him, and think of him while I slept.
Manohman.

One Whole Year Ago. 
My Whole World Changed.
It feels like a lifetime ago.


But I guess one could argue that it happens everyday.
Everyday, Life Changes.

My Morning Run(Down).

Sipping on coffee from my cafe, enjoying a lazy morning before I head off to work, I have a little routine of hitting several of my favorite tumblrs and blogs to get a bit of aesthetic inspiration for my day. 
Here is my collection from the last couple days, and a new 'feature' (for lack of a better term) for S&SR. 
Because, ya know, I don't actually go running.

Catsup? Ketchup? Cat Soup?

Kat Moss has many admirers.

So... I've been at my own apartment the past couple days.
You see, I've spent so much time at MMM's in the last month, that I was starting to feel a little guilty leaving Kat Moss alone so much. I mean she's already moody, and from a broken home, so she needs a little extra attention. I mentioned this to MMM, and he invited her to move in with him.

'I don't vant to be alone.'

I laughed and explained that his own cat (who looks more like a twenty five pound feline pot-belly pig) would eat my three pound gamine beauty of a supermodel kat.
That and, hel-lo! Who would snuggle with me when I was staying at my own place??
The exchange freaked me a out a little, it being right on the heels of our first double date with his friends and a breif conversation of exclusivity.
And then he asked my cat to move in?
Whoa whoa whoa.


In other 'News', Goldi and I went for a quick drink with some chips & salsa on the side the other day, and I warned her beforehand that I was in full 'Lady Gear' before we went - black pumps, cream pencil skirt, black turtleneck, skinny belt, low ponytail, newspaper decopage pearl necklace, the whole shebang...
It was such an extreme divergence(?) from my usual faire of cutoffs and neon bras, and of course we ran into a half a dozen of the Ex's friends and other acquaintances.
At first I was only recognized after a double take. It was nice to see them all; that is the nice thing about the Ex's friends, they are always so sweet, and they all came outside for a hug and an introduction to Goldi.
But it felt good for them all to see me SoooooPutTogether, calm and gracious and all manners on a late afternoon sunny patio. I kind of liked the way I was treated, and think I may be incorporating that into my own personal look going forward.
Oh My God, It's Happening. The Cardigans Are Taking Over My Brain.

I'm a Laaaaaaddddyyyy.

I also found a new tumblr I like: Golden Peonies. ChChCheck It.

This weekend, in between nursing a very ill MMM back to health & catching his cold myself, I went to my Flame Haired Favorite's beachside bungalow Bachelorette Party in Laguna. It was such a treat to see one of my favorite people showered with love by all her friends and family, and it gave my an excused to wear one of my favorite sheer maxi shirtdresses like a grande 70's housewife. Before I left, I looked at MMM, lifted my arms in grande gesture and explained that the dress made me want to say things in a syrupy voice like,

'Weelllcome to our Hooome... Your keys go in this bowl, you'll find the drinks in the foyer and the grass is in the den.'

Her wedding is in Palm Springs in a couple of weeks, and it's gonna be Hot Capital H, and I don't know what to wear... So, that's my next: something I need to find a dress for.  

As for the F, I've got him on OkCupid, I'm taking him to Forever 21 for an affordable update to his threadbare wardrobe, and he has agreed to let me find an inexpensive way to decorate his apartment. I'd say 'redecorate', but it was never decorated in the first place...

With just a couple of updates - a plush white duvet cover, drapery, a couple of pieces of framed art, and an inexpensive table and chairs set for his kitchen, and I think that he will enjoy his surroundings more, and be more inclined to put himself out there to meet someone new if he's not ashamed of where he lives. 

We are going for a beachy, surfery vibe, whites and blues and easy. 

So it hasn't been an especially eventful week, nor an especially interesting one, but sometimes that's okay. I have Flame's weeding in a little less than two weeks, I'm seeing MMM tonight and have work for the rest of the week. I'm happy, a little stressed, but in a very good way. I felt a little like the MMM and I were on an accelerated fast track, and I kind of want to just take it down a notch, justalittle. I hadn't seen my friends in a couple weeks (Goldi & Beauty were both out of town for the past two weekends, so what felt like me missing out wasn't, but still) and I just want to remember to have my own space and time for Me. I just can't forget about that, and I have in the past, and it's not a mistake I want to make again. So the pause was not for lack of Like-Liking MMM, just a way of taking some time to get back to 'Me'-dom. To vaccuum my apartment, enjoy my little cafe across the street, give myself a home facial and cuddle with my own kitty.

I just need some ME ME ME time.

Also, if you want to find me on Pinterest here's the link to My Pinterest.