A Bit of Free Advice.

One of the most important things I've learned about dating men not in their Twenties?

Always keep antacids on hand.

Feel free to quote me on that.

Layer/Cake (or Dessert in the Desert).

This was posted on one of my favorite tumblrs this morning... It used to be one of my favorite songs, which speaks to where I was way back when. It reminded me of college, and of being twenty two and listening to melancholy alternative music in my kitchen while I did or did not do this dishes. 

This am: newly purchased men's James Perse sweatshirt,
Bright Eyes CD circa '04, coffee, 90210 reruns.

This lyrical reminder then led to a short hunt for my CD collection, and a trip back in time with my Bright Eyes CD collection. Which is funny, because as much as I love the music, it can't help but bring me right back to 22, and make me feel that same sense of uneasiness. 

It reminds me of all the layers and all the lifetimes I feel I have, that music has, that humans have, that Tuesday mornings have. 

That our synapses and senses and hearts and emotions give us the ability to have.
No wonder I had to stop listening to it on the regular. Makes me think too much.
I've been stressed lately about things juuuuuuuuust out of my control.
Though, other than that total lack of control, everything else is going well. M is good. Mmm mmm good.

Even with the heat, the crowd was Cool.

Watching two of my very favorite people get married this weekend was wonderful, to see their love come full circle has been an amazing sight to see. On our way to Palm Springs (in an unexpected turn of events, M drove out there with me, and we had our first - as Bridget Jones would say - mini break together), but on our way to Palm Springs, I was explaining to him how I came to know my Flame Haired Favorite, and it was amazing to be able to tell him that this couple, that they are the 'Real Deal'.  Their wedding was beautiful, and their wedding was also really Cool - a fashionable, edgier crowd than your normal run of the mill wedding crowds. Succulents and short ceremonies, a sweet champagne signature cocktail and a beautiful bride and groom; they are in love, and they are happy, and they are the perfect complement to one another. 

Congrats you guys. I love you.

Don't skip dessert.

I had a lot on my mind, and even though I was trying to relax over the weekend, I was ridden with a large amount of anxiety, coupled with the heat, and a in-progress attempt to curb my champagne intake on a larger scale; but even with all that, I was over the moon to see such a perfect couple celebrate their absolute perfection for one another. You know, I've oft wondered between all the on-paper 'lists' of 'what' I 'think' I want, and the reality of chemistry and timing, and my tendency to be so black and white, and my general fear  on being unlovable, and the myriad of other fears and strengths I have: I have often wondered when - or if - I would find someone who learned to know me - fears, strengths, weakness, pride and all - and love me for all that and more. ...And more being the stuff that I am not readily able to see about myself; the things that I do not even perceive, or the things that I do & secretly hope that no one notices. Not only have I wondered when/if I would find that, there is an other layer to what I am looking for entirely. The layer that knows and learns these things about me, and then in turn, complements them. Someone that knows my weakness, my fears and anxieties, and pushes me to strengthen myself, work towards overcoming my fears and anxieties, and, ultimately, brings out the best in me.
And most importantly, atop this layer, from my vantage point, is the part where I do the same for him.
The rest, the in-between, well, that's just frosting.
And ya know? I know that my friends - my beautiful Flame Haired Favorite, and her husband...
They have those layers.
They have the frosting.
They have their cake.
And they damn well get to eat it, too.

Now I gotta turn off this damn CD (well, now, it's in my iTunes! I'm so techy!) and get my ass out of the house. Though, to be fair, I like my studio right now - I've picked up some succulents and sunflowers and its clean. Me and Kat are just hangin'.

(re)Evaluation.

So, the F 'stumbled' across my little project the other day.

F.

He had known about it, and had read excerpts from it when I felt that it better explained what I was feeling than I could articulate. But he had never read it in its entirety and well... I can't imagine stumbling across an entire in depth timeline of a relationship I was in; things written in anger, things written in happiness, things that were never said outloud to me; but were written in a public forum for everyone else to read.

Shield your eyes, kids!!!

I would crumble.
I have been thinking over the past day, after doing a quick re-read on all things F, most posts long forgotten, and I realized that I have been a bit blinded by my own selfishness, I never considered how my words in this thing could effect another. The F is not mad, per se, but he definitely now has a better understanding of how he hurt me in the beginning and how back and forth I have been (and why) in regards to him. Basically, I feel terrible that I hadn't ever considered how this expose of sorts could hurt.
Words sting; and these are words written for others to read - The bad can stay with you, can point out that your own personal fears about your own shortcomings are seen by others, that they notice them too, that it's not just you...
We are never as opaque as we hope we are. 
I told MMM - in the vaguest terms possible -  on our second date about this project of mine. We never spoke of it again. But last night, after having learned that the F had read what I written about him, I brought it up to M again.
His response?

Yes, I remember. And it's never very far from my mind.

That surprised me.
I explained to him what had happened with Apt F, and how hurtful my words may have been, and how upset I was at hurting someone's feelings, and yaddayaddayadda and explained that though I have never written a sour word about him, I would never ever want him to read what I have written and be saddened by it.

How did I not see this coming?
Also, go see Moonrise Kingdom.
It resonates with the melancholy 12 year old in me.

Much like why I didn't want the F to read it.
Also, do I really want M to know about every single person I have dated in the past year and a half?
No.
Nor do I want him to have insight on the intensity of my feelings for others, as even though they are past, just like I don't want to know about how in love he was was with whomever it was he was in love with.
This has been a nearly no holds barred outlet for me. 
This has been my avenue for self exploration, for storytelling, for figuring shit out. 
But, in my conversation with M, and my exploitation of F, I feel as though I may need to seriously reevaluate Style & Saturn Return. 
I mean, I'm not technically even in my Saturn's Return anymore.
M and I have had conversations about honesty, and mutual respect for our own privacy (full disclosure: I wish I could get away with pronouncing it 'Priv-issy') but at this fork in the road, I have found myself wondering how public I want my life to be. 
How much of my relationship with M do I want give away? 

It was one thing when I was single, trying to maneuver a life I had never led before; finding solace in the parallels of my existence to others'. 
But I am not alone, I never was, and I most certainly am not alone anymore.


I explained to M all these things, and we had a long talk about (in the vaguest terms possible) whether or not I really need a blog about dating & being single, when... Dot dot dot. 
We left each sentence at that: dot dot dot.
I mean, who really knows what the future holds...? I sure as hell don't. 
But, I know what I feel, and I know what it could hold.
M did not ask me to not write as I do, he would never, he just pointed out that it's purpose may need some re-evaluation. 
And, I agree.


Simply put, when I asked him weeks ago out of the blue, before any talk of - well, anything really...
When I asked him,

This is Something, isn't it?

He responded with a simple Yes. 

This Something is Real.
And this Something is Ours. 
Ours, Alone.

Mind you, I am not going to stop this blog altogether. 
I just probably will not write about my relationship with M as in depth as I have in the past. 
Which, I can imagine, is fine. Relationships, especially happy ones, can be quite mundane. 
I am probably going to simply focus on more abstract ideas and/or more aesthetics. 
Or both. 
I mean, truly, that was my original intention for this blog anyway. See above 'Musings + Inspirations'.  No mention of 'Dating'.


And to the F, if you're reading, please stop. 
No, but seriously, I am sorry. 
You are my dearest friend and I love you. 
And I am so sorry. 
Now, click the 'Back' button. 
YaKayThanks.

(365) Days Since Summer.

In a few days time, it will have been one.whole.year since I met the Dutchman.
A whole year since that beautiful boy and I stood on the corner of the sidewalk on a warm summer's night, and he asked me quietly if he was going to fall in love with me.
It has been months since we've spoken, and I gather he has a new girlfriend.
But one year ago, I had a whole new world in front of me - I had the possibility of Far Off Places, of I'd do anything for Love, and a nearly tangible electrical current running between he and I.

I had notions of expatriation in my head and soft spoken I Love You's in my ears.
I would fall asleep thinking of him, wake thinking of him, and think of him while I slept.
Manohman.

One Whole Year Ago. 
My Whole World Changed.
It feels like a lifetime ago.


But I guess one could argue that it happens everyday.
Everyday, Life Changes.

My Morning Run(Down).

Sipping on coffee from my cafe, enjoying a lazy morning before I head off to work, I have a little routine of hitting several of my favorite tumblrs and blogs to get a bit of aesthetic inspiration for my day. 
Here is my collection from the last couple days, and a new 'feature' (for lack of a better term) for S&SR. 
Because, ya know, I don't actually go running.

Catsup? Ketchup? Cat Soup?

Kat Moss has many admirers.

So... I've been at my own apartment the past couple days.
You see, I've spent so much time at MMM's in the last month, that I was starting to feel a little guilty leaving Kat Moss alone so much. I mean she's already moody, and from a broken home, so she needs a little extra attention. I mentioned this to MMM, and he invited her to move in with him.

'I don't vant to be alone.'

I laughed and explained that his own cat (who looks more like a twenty five pound feline pot-belly pig) would eat my three pound gamine beauty of a supermodel kat.
That and, hel-lo! Who would snuggle with me when I was staying at my own place??
The exchange freaked me a out a little, it being right on the heels of our first double date with his friends and a breif conversation of exclusivity.
And then he asked my cat to move in?
Whoa whoa whoa.


In other 'News', Goldi and I went for a quick drink with some chips & salsa on the side the other day, and I warned her beforehand that I was in full 'Lady Gear' before we went - black pumps, cream pencil skirt, black turtleneck, skinny belt, low ponytail, newspaper decopage pearl necklace, the whole shebang...
It was such an extreme divergence(?) from my usual faire of cutoffs and neon bras, and of course we ran into a half a dozen of the Ex's friends and other acquaintances.
At first I was only recognized after a double take. It was nice to see them all; that is the nice thing about the Ex's friends, they are always so sweet, and they all came outside for a hug and an introduction to Goldi.
But it felt good for them all to see me SoooooPutTogether, calm and gracious and all manners on a late afternoon sunny patio. I kind of liked the way I was treated, and think I may be incorporating that into my own personal look going forward.
Oh My God, It's Happening. The Cardigans Are Taking Over My Brain.

I'm a Laaaaaaddddyyyy.

I also found a new tumblr I like: Golden Peonies. ChChCheck It.

This weekend, in between nursing a very ill MMM back to health & catching his cold myself, I went to my Flame Haired Favorite's beachside bungalow Bachelorette Party in Laguna. It was such a treat to see one of my favorite people showered with love by all her friends and family, and it gave my an excused to wear one of my favorite sheer maxi shirtdresses like a grande 70's housewife. Before I left, I looked at MMM, lifted my arms in grande gesture and explained that the dress made me want to say things in a syrupy voice like,

'Weelllcome to our Hooome... Your keys go in this bowl, you'll find the drinks in the foyer and the grass is in the den.'

Her wedding is in Palm Springs in a couple of weeks, and it's gonna be Hot Capital H, and I don't know what to wear... So, that's my next: something I need to find a dress for.  

As for the F, I've got him on OkCupid, I'm taking him to Forever 21 for an affordable update to his threadbare wardrobe, and he has agreed to let me find an inexpensive way to decorate his apartment. I'd say 'redecorate', but it was never decorated in the first place...

With just a couple of updates - a plush white duvet cover, drapery, a couple of pieces of framed art, and an inexpensive table and chairs set for his kitchen, and I think that he will enjoy his surroundings more, and be more inclined to put himself out there to meet someone new if he's not ashamed of where he lives. 

We are going for a beachy, surfery vibe, whites and blues and easy. 

So it hasn't been an especially eventful week, nor an especially interesting one, but sometimes that's okay. I have Flame's weeding in a little less than two weeks, I'm seeing MMM tonight and have work for the rest of the week. I'm happy, a little stressed, but in a very good way. I felt a little like the MMM and I were on an accelerated fast track, and I kind of want to just take it down a notch, justalittle. I hadn't seen my friends in a couple weeks (Goldi & Beauty were both out of town for the past two weekends, so what felt like me missing out wasn't, but still) and I just want to remember to have my own space and time for Me. I just can't forget about that, and I have in the past, and it's not a mistake I want to make again. So the pause was not for lack of Like-Liking MMM, just a way of taking some time to get back to 'Me'-dom. To vaccuum my apartment, enjoy my little cafe across the street, give myself a home facial and cuddle with my own kitty.

I just need some ME ME ME time.

Also, if you want to find me on Pinterest here's the link to My Pinterest.

Good Air Day

Everytime I wear my hair differently, the MMM asks,

Have I seen you wear your hair like this?

Housewarmings.

This shall go in the kitchen.

salt & pepper shakers by kate spade.
I started to explain, as he was opening it,
that I 'wasn't sure which
one was the salt and which
was the...' and then I stopped
myself.

I got MMM a Housewarming gift. I was going to go with a succulent, but Roger's was closed so I got him a salt and pepper shaker set instead. He loved it, and explained that the thought had occurred to him that I might get him a housewarming gift because I'm, quote, 'awesome like that' but he didn't want to get his own hopes up if I didn't, nor did he want to be as presumptious to think I would, but that he had a hunch that I might.
And, luckily I had been planning to all along, because in his words, I'm awesome. In my awesomeness, I've been given the go-ahead, and relative carte blanche to 'help' decorate MMM's new (old) condo.
Now, if his old shell of a 'home' was any indication, I assumed that he (for lack of a better term) had no taste. None, zip, zilch, nada.
The old place had perhaps two pieces of decor: Dated looking Tommy Bahama knock off palm tress in bamboo frames over the couch and a pot of fake yellow daisies on his dining room table. Actually, right before we were going to bed the other night, he said, out of the blue,

You know, I never intended on you seeing that house. I was thinking I could stretch out having you over until after I moved. 

I laughed, and I understood.
But imagine my surprise when I arrived at his new (old) condo in Irvine after his move and found most everything in a state of disarray other than the two prints he had carefully hung in his living room: One, beautifully matted in a simple black frame - a line drawing on craft paper of a singing Jimi Hendrix, draped in a colorful American Flag, with a speech bubble in French (a gift from his White House working brother) and a large Dali print, framed in an ornate (yet totally appropriate) gold frame.
Both are pretty cool, without trying to be 'Cool'.
So, I learned, he does have taste.
Pretty damn good taste: simple, masculine (and extremely grandiose sometimes).
He has to be reigned in: No, you will not(and cannot) do a (forty thousand dollar) remodel on your condo's bathroom, you don't need a steam room that bad', 'no you cannot recess the ceiling in your bedroom', no you cannot cut a wedge in the side of your patio table so it fits neatly into the wall - all the time and energy and frustration that would take isn't worth the hundred bucks it'd take to buy a new one. You think that light is too bright? No, you don't need to craft a dome to put over it, just change to a lower wattage bulb. 
Luckily, he sees it my way most of the time. Smart man with a mustache.

Takin' care of business.

His dark brown sectional couch was throwing him off, and he didn't know how to situate the thing in the new living room. I took one look at at, and quickly explained how to flip the dimensions around so that the chaise section was under the bay window, and explained that it was okay that the back faced the dining room because it broke the Great Room into sections. Why do people think that the best way to decorate is to push everything up against the walls? Man oh man.
Annyhowww... This went on from room to room, we discussed color pallettes and lighting schemes, valet trays and bedding ideas. By the time I got back to his apartment the following evening, he had followed my directions, swapped the couch, flipped the dining room table horizontal, put the area rug underneath that as opposed to underneath the couch and we were good to go.
As you probably have guessed, as for helping him decorate - I'm all in.
So in doing 'research' for such a task, I spent the better part of my day yesterday on Pinterest. Ha! So the thing actually has a purpose!
We have a list going of what room needs what, and where needs what and he is tasked with finding a new coffee table because he 'hates' his. (I believe it is perhaps his ex's. I still have very little info on that situation, though I do believe I found out her name by some reused moving boxes.)
We've done two 'Fact Finding Missions' to two separate Targets.
I've started with the kitchen & dining area (which is in desperate need of a new chandelier) and after a bit of prodding, an agreement on 'blue', and a look that said 'No, you cannot cement the floor in your kitchen' & lets go less 'Super Modern' and more with 'utilitarian & masculine in a more Restoration Hardware vein', I think it'll work out quite nicely.
So... Behold my findings.

West Elm 5 Jar Chandelier.
This is probably going above the dining room table.

The Kid's stuck on wallpapering something.
This may get it out of his system.

For a more utilitarian way of decorating his kitchen,
we're going cannister-heavy. Planned purchase?
A jar with 'Etc.' written on the outside to store his
rarely used pot stash in.

I like the idea of a bar that doesn't look like a bar.
By the way, I've got him drinking wine now.

Okay, this one's for me.

Again, with a more utilitarian decor,
exposed dishware in strong colors
to tie in the blues.

Also: He shaved his mustache. Hallelujah! 
I haven't seen it yet. 
I'm scared and excited and so so so relieved.
Also, if you know of any good decorating sites or blogs, feel free to leave it in the comments.

No Place Like Home.

How are we expected to know when our registration expires? MMM asked, exasperated, as we were going over some of his bills last night. He had neglected to pick up the mail (bestillmybeatingheart) from his condo for months and had been slapped with quite the fine.

Um, well, the sticker on the back for one. I responded, with a laugh.

Hmph. I guess I'm just forgetful, or unaware, about these things sometimes.

I closed my eyes.

I've noticed. What color are my eyes?

Brown. But to be honest, when I first met you, I didn't kmow, or remember. It wasn't until we hung out again, and I noticed how pretty your eyes are that I was able to remember that they are brown.

I laughed again.

Can you really dye my eyes to match my gown?

MMM is moving today. 

Out of the house he shared with his 'wife' (though, to be honest I know very little about the relationship other than it was very short, and they were only married for three months, so I am working with the assumption that it was annulled, which would not even make her his ex-wife? Right? Right?!) When I first met him, and was struck with the notion that he 'needed a girlfriend', it wasn't out of pity, nor was it out of any sort of judgment of helplessness. It simply was just what popped into my head when I looked around at his house, undecorated and sad. The house was a shell.
The condo he is moving into is His and not Theirs, and he has made it clear that he just wants to get out of that house and move on. And his need for a 'woman in his life' has been even moreso clear in the past few days. He has thanked me for convincing him to invest in a U-Haul, as opposed to his original plan of using a truck from his business that wouldn't even be available until after five. (Though, admittedly, my pushing for the UHaul was less about his convenience and more about my own concern over him taking too long to move & not being able to spend time with him.) We ran through a checklist this morning of all the things he needs to do (cancel this, pack that) and then he brought up the 'chandelier' he wants to change in his condo.

It's gold. Well, not real gold, I don't think, but it's gold and on a chain, and I want to change it but don't know how.

I'm pretty sure it's not real gold. I mean, this ain't Dubai. I said, laughing. But if you want help finding a new one, I like doing stuff like that. I'll go with you.

Well, yeah, he said. I was gonna ask you about that...  

In the two weeks, now almost three, that we have been hanging out, it has become incredibly clear that even though he is mysterious and mustache'd, he is also amazing company. We have spent the last three (three!) nights together. The first night we went to dinner and then the last two I have just gone to his house straight from work, late, and we have sat at his kitchen table, just talking & sharing a bottle of wine. His last three days in that Godforsaken house, have been Us.
And now, he's moving back into his own condo, and he's asking me about whether or not to bring his BBQ, or what to do with a 'triangle bookshelf'* he bought years ago.

*It's shelving you mount on the wall. 

The brackets are triangular. 

It took me awhile, and some coaxing, 

to figure out what this 'triangle bookshelf' was.

You're due a short rundown, as I know with work and everything I haven't caught anyone up on the MMM timeline.

It is as follows:

We had our second date, and then our 'third' date was not a date, as it was simply me just coming over after the following evening and staying the night. Our 'third and a half' date was on a Wednesday - where we ventured to a small concert in Orange County. I had never heard the artist's music, though I had heard of him. The concert was wonderful, I was tranfixed by the singer, Devendra Banhart, and had an amazing time with MMM. After it was over, I went home, as I had a long day the following day. So, still PG, ifyaknowwhatImean. . Our 'fourth' date was to a gourmet small plates restaurant in Corona Del Mar on Friday. I bought new underwear for that date. The following day, we slept in and lounged around his house, watching New Girl episodes (he had never seen it, and loved it) and drinking coffee. We went to lunch at some point, and then lounged some more. And I have spent Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and potentially tonight with him of this week.

He has a Grown Up name to
go with his Grown Up Mustache.

But who is this Mysterious Mustache'd Man? He is thirty, quick witted and kind. He finds me interesting. Even when I'm explaining retail math, or the commission scale at work, or the intricacies of female dominated workplace dynamics. I'll stop myself short, and mention how boring my topic of choice may be, and he stops me, and confirms that he is in fact interested. And I believe him. 

I find him interesting. 

And still, a little mysterious. 

He is sweet and dorky and shy, but in a way where I can tell he is still well-liked and well-regarded. He works for his father, alongside his best friend, and they have plans to, when his father retires, take over the (very successful) business together. He is driven and wry. He is terrible(!) with expressing his feelings. But after our fourth date, I did tell him that if we were going to continue to see one another in this way I would need him to be more verbally expressive with me. 

His response? 

I don't know how to, but I will try.

The next morning, as we lay together, and after a bit of silence, he turned to me and said, rather awkwardly,

...I very much enjoy spending time with you... And... I like being close to you like this... 

So he is trying.

Upon further reflection, I feel inclined to note that nearly every compliment that he has ever given me has been about my intellect or the way my mind works. In our conversations, or debates, which have ranged from what year the film Titantic came out to the universe's creation being a fluke or in fact, a creation, even when he is playing the Devil's Advocate, he speaks with nothing but respect for my opinion or beliefs. He has never pulled the all-too-common, 'No no, let me tell you how It Is' that most men I have known do and he will concede when he has run out of explanations. He oft remarks that I have 'given him something to think about'. It's a different feeling, to feel valued by someone for  my brains over my body. I have felt like mute arm candy so many times, or even that feeling of (like with the Mathematician, of him being attracted to me so being able to overlook certain aspects of my personality or whatnot.) To feel like, with MMM, he is most attracted to my mind, and the physical is secondary (and I feel the same of him) is a new, and extremely appealing base for a potential relationship. So he may not be out there, yelling from the rooftops how much he likes me or how hot he thinks I am, but I do not spend my time with him second guessing myself, or his feelings for me. So there is something to be said about that. He knows I'm not perfect, but he doesn't treat it in a way that feels like he is making an exception, like F does, a 'I like you so much, I'll overlook your Crazy'. He seems to just accept it. To go with it. He also likes cats.
But even with his lack of verbal expression, he is not flawed when it comes to showing he cares.

We drink it together, on his patio.

His actions speak volumes.

Most mornings, he gets up before I do. He lets me sleep while he makes us coffee and only wakes me once it's done with a kiss, a good morning and a hot mug.

He is moving today, and we have spent the better part of a week together. He deleted his OkCupid account after our third date, and I disabled mine two days ago. I'm not looking to jump into boyfriendom just yet, but I am most certainly excited by the potential of MMM. I think his move will be good for us, and him especially. I find it to be somewhat symbolic - Him leaving that house at what could be the start of something new. I am excited to be his Ikea Buddy, and I adore waking up next to him. I believe that we started things off on the right foot, that neither of us are playing games, we are honest, alike and and we waited for a spell to be 'close like that'.
He often admits when I am right.
I am right often.

I met him and thought, 'This dude needs a girlfriend.'
I know him and feel, 'This man is better off with a woman in his life'.
And I suspect I will walk into his new/old condo and think, 'This place begs for a woman's touch'.

And, Home sight unseen on my end, he has already begun to ask for it.
And, I'd begun to plan for it.

Happy Housewarming!

This is the sort of thing I was aiming for with my paper planes.
The chemistry, the quality & the kindness.
This is the sort of wind I was asking for.
Demanding.

Also!
He wants my help in doing a shadow box succulent wall on his patio.
Um, yeah, hi, please!