Jagged Little Pill, Track 7.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

~ Oscar Wilde

Tiny Dancer.

I wish I had enough hair to do the high bun that I love so much.

Ah well, c'est la vie I guess.

Update: After a visit to YouTube, and a video tutorial, I have discovered that I do, in fact, have enough hair. Suweet.

the M. M. M.

It's odd, when you are reminded that your are - in fact - good at something.
After months of not working, feeling discouraged and living for the weekend, I finally feel Good again.
You know, they say it's easier to find a job when you have a job, and I now know what they mean; it's easier to 'sell' yourself as good at a job when you actually have a job you feel good about.
And I feel good about my job. In fact, I'm really kind of kicking ass.
It's nice, because the managers (how weird it feels not to be The Manager, I admit, but still) but the managers speak to me in a 'knowing' way; a very respectful, conspiratorial 'You know what I'm talking about, you know what you're doing' sort of way. I feel like that in just a couple of weeks, I have proved myself, and my value to the sales floor, and that feels good.
I feel like I very quickly showed them that they had made the correct decision in hiring me.
And with a returned sense of autonomy comes a renewed sense of self worth.
Basically, I feel pretty damn good.
Aaaaaand... With this newly refound self esteem, I have jumped back into the dating pool.
I think with the lack of 'direction' I had without employment, I wasn't really feeling 'dating'. I mean, how could I feel like I had anything to offer in a relationship when I was already questioning it in my relationship with myself? I think that was entirely reflected in the three dates with the 6'5'' asshole in the Valley.
I went on a 2nd date with the mustache'd man from last Tuesday on Saturday. We met for sushi at  my favorite sushi place - a cougar den with a Sublime cover band on the Pacific Coast Highway.
The man with the mustache and I had a good first date; he is introverted, shy and a little bit of a loner, and underneath that (terrible terrible) mustache, he is quite handsome, with dark deep set bedroom eyes and a crooked row of bottom teeth. On our first date we bonded over the fact that we both avoid calling things ironic, because we can never really remember what exactly the definition of irony is, and know it is usually used wrong. And our second date was no different - I find him easy to be around. There is something a little dark about him, and on our first date I had said, point blank, 'You are very sensitive, aren't you?' He agreed. I worry a bit about that, truthfully, because give me an inch and I'll take a mile. 
'Take advantage' isn't the right wording, but I do know that if a boy lets me, I can tend to... well... Take advantage of that a little.
Like with the F, I let him keep me company, at this point all he gets out of it is being around me, and I know that. But I digress.
The man with the mustache and I had our sushi, grabbed a couple drinks at the bar and I didn't want to leave him. I enjoy being around him, and I find him intelligent and a little mysterious. Yes, actually, that's it. This quiet mustached man is mysterious. So we agreed to head to his house, together.
I know, I know, not really the best second date etiquette, but we kept it very PG the entire time. I  promise.

Although I've both followed and broken 'The Rules' - lately in dating, I have been very good at not following  The Rules as I used to. I know I've mentioned it before, but I have become much better at not just putting on my 'Hostess' hat, and going into the prospect of a relationship being me. Acknowledging my quirkier side,   or admitting when I don't know something - The version of Me that shows on the first date is more genuinely Me than it used to be. I remember when the Dutchman was visiting, he and I and Bijou were at brunch and I went to say something and I stopped myself. Bijou jumped on it, 'Why do you do that!? Finish your damn sentence!' My cutting myself off was such a sign of my insecurity, and she knew it.
But lately, especially after what I've learned from Apt F, in his love for my Me-ness (after never really being in an adult relationship that didn't stifle me, or make me doubt my own intellect), lately I've been more confident in the lovability of Me. And hell, what you see is what you get these days. (Full disclosure: This also can be attributed to my girlcrush - and the world's - on Zooey Deschanel. Quirk is so In right now.) 
So, back to the second date with the Mysterious Man with the Mustache... Wait, no, one more digression. A couple of weeks ago, I redid my entire online dating profile. Perhaps in a thinly veiled attempt to 'get back' at the Asshat in the Valley who changed his own profile to read as a Pros & Cons to 3 Dates with Me, but I decided that I definitely needed to revamp what I said about myself. To make it more representative of who I am, and less of how I want to seem. And in doing that, I have noticed been attracting a more introverted type of man. Which is a new type of man for me.
Okay, now back to the second date. We left the sushi bar & got his car from the valet. After a quick stop at my car, to grab a pair of sandals and my makeup bag, we headed to his place. Now, I know that he is moving into a condo he owns in a few weeks, but right now he is living by himself in a three bedroom house a couple of cities South of me. I was forwarned that he was not expecting company, so his house was a little untidy. Oh man, it was.
I wanted to clean it so bad.
Clean laundry on the floor in the living room, unfolded and wrinkled, iceless ice trays in the freezer, Saltines on the sink in the bathroom.

The Mysterious Man with the Mustache with an M3 made me want to mother him. I kept thinking to myself, This is one of those guys who needs a girlfriend. I could totally get this place into shape. So, we poured some wine, and made out well into the night. I swear though, it was totally PG. We slept in Sunday, wrapped in eachothers arms. At around ten, we got up and he made us coffee. Hot coffee in hand, pajamas still on, we sat on his couch, kissing and talking for the next several hours. He told me what happened in Mockingjay, because Goldi and I decided not to read it, and we talked about our love of Lost in Translation, and how Bill Murray's character is totally based on Harrison Ford.
Being with him is easy.
Silence isn't awkward.
We are the same age, almost exactly, and our brains work in eerily similar ways. On our first date, I had said something (jokingly) that had come off as quite rude, and had apologized profusely that evening, but while we were sitting on his couch in his undecorated three bedroom house, I looked at him, and said,

'Hey by the way, I'm...'

He cut me off,

'You don't have to apologize again. I promise.'

The night before, at the sushi place, I had said something to the effect of,

'It's funny, I think you are very intelligent. Probably because we have very similar points of reference to almost everything.'

To which he agreed.
I had somehow managed to get a split in the crotch of my black jeggings (ew, I know), but we decided to go to lunch around two. I threw on the t-shirt he wore on our first date over them, a gray tee with an image of John Lennon on it that he got at 'the Mall', put my denim jacket on over it and watched as he picked up a very wrinkly (though apparently 'clean') tee off the living room floor and we headed North, back up to near my car. For some reason, I started talking about my Best Friend in San Francisco, and how weird it is for me to think about the fact that she used to be married, and I had a thought...

'You've never been married, right?'

He paused.

'Actually, yes. I have. That was my last relationship.' 

Hmph.
I asked a series of quick questions:
How long? A few months. Length of entire relationship? A year. Kids? No.
Is that why you live in that house? Yes.
I kissed his shoulder, and he changed the subject.
We had a nice lunch and he dropped me off at my car.
And I missed him.
I went and collected Beauty off the beach, we grabbed a quick lunch, I caught up with her and her roommate (who recently started 'Internet Dating' as well) and then headed over to my Flame Haired Favorite's house for talk of her upcoming wedding and a glass of wine.
And I still missed him. The Mysterious Man with the Mustache.
So, as I have never been a big game player in dating & have apparently eschewed most of The Rules anyway, I called him after leaving my girlfriend's house.
And invited myself over.
Still, we kept it PG, watched his shows and went to bed.
He made me coffee this morning, and we made plans to go to a concert Wednesday night.

Although I did say to him, last night as we were laying in bed,

'Hey...'

He cut me off,

'No.'
'Why? I just want to see what it would look like.'
'No.'
'Fine.'

So I guess the Mustache is staying.
For now.
Hell, at least it makes for a damn good moniker: The Mysterious Man with the Mustache.
MMM.

Ideski Oatni.

I am liking my new job. A lot.
I went on a date last night. It went well.
Things are coming together; job, life, friends, brain; it's all cohesive again.
There is something to be said about feeling In Control again. I can't describe it well, but it feels like my synapses, my left brain and my right, they're glued back together. I'm learning quick at the new shop, and exceeding my own expectations by quite a bit. I grabbed dinner with girlfriends tonight, recounted my date from last night and showed off my tan from from yesterday. The F climbed his mountain, and came back my best friend. Renewed and confident, he and I haven't been nearly as co-dependent since his rock and my job.
I'm no longer fearing the cute cardigans.
Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually looking forward to them.

Wings.

I am lucky. I have such wonderful friends and people in my life who have been so supportive of me in the last few months. After four days at the new job (where I feel like the New Girl in high school who was really popular at her old school, but moved a few states away and feels like she stepped into an alternate universe of bows and sparkles and kitten heels, but am doing an okay job of fitting in even though I'm less that and more leather and lace) I have my first day off. Apartment F is off climbing a mountain this weekend - the first productive thing that he has done for 'himself' since I've known him & I'm just enjoying being a person with a returned sense of of self.
I feel like Me again.
I feel whole.
I feel good. I really do.

The New Girl.

The first day of a new job is like the first day at a new high school.

"Celebrating WASP Style'.
A celebration I would never
 get an invite for.

And admittedly, this first day - with this specific company - I was (and still am) extremely out of my element. Many of the other single line stores that I applied and interviewed for, I at least had some background knowledge about, simply from working in my old shop & helping out with the buy. This designer is so far from my own aesthetic and frame of reference that I felt like a deer in the headlights a little bit. Whereas my usual uniform consists of leather shorts and a denim mechanic's shirt, this designer is more of the Ladies Who Lunch With  a Bit of Whimsy.
In fact, I was instructed to perhaps invest in some 'cute cardigans from Forever 21'.
Cute Fitted Cardigans From Forever 21?!?
What have I gotten myself into?
Fitted Cardigans?

How am I supposed
to put a fitted cardigan
over this?

I've been so spoiled with my old shop, from being part of a family to knowing everything from where the stapler is to what the buyer picked out from a designer months in advance to who is who who walks in the door; so, to be just totally new, and new sans new cardigans; I definitely feel a little overwhelmed.
But at least I know that the first day of any job feel like that. I felt the same way when I started my job at the shop and my job before that at a jewelry store in Santa Monica. But, I guess, the reality is - its not just that I feel like a fish out of water because I'm new, I also feel like I am totally out of my element because I am.
I'm learning to sell clothing to the Ladies Who Lunch but identify a bit more with the Young Women Who Brunch. 
(Or, at least, the Ladies Who Want To Look Like Young Women Who Brunch.) I do have faith though that I'll learn the ropes it's just so daunting on your first day.
Also, of course, being as nervous as I was for my 'First Day of School', I totally forgot to put on deodorant.
So, I was - as I put it as I was promising to remember to apply generously today - the 'Stinky New Girl'.
Though, the girls were nice & assured me that at no point did they notice.
So, the upside is, everyone seems very nice.
Even when I secretly smell.

Nope. Still Don't Like Salmon.

To Apartment F. 

After a dinner date & three days of 'trying again'.

I just... I just realized that no matter what, for some reason, I would end up breaking up with you again. I don't have any answers other than these: You are my best friend, and I love you. And I thought that I may lose you, so if to keep you my best friend was to try and date you again, I was going to try. But the 'Spark' (such a fucking cliche word) still wasn't there. I think you look more handsome than ever, you are more forward moving & thinking than ever, and I have very deep and real Love for you, but as much as I wanted it to be one type of Love, it just isn't. And I can't help that, I guess. At breakfast this morning, Beauty referred to the boy she is seeing as, 'Probably not the best thing for me, but I still like him.' and I laughed, because with our situation, it is the opposite. You probably ARE the best thing for me, but I don't 'like-like' you. I do love you though, and I have never had a male friend I have loved so much, and I don't really know how to even have male friends. I'm at a loss. 
But, I cannot and will not do this back and forth again. I cannot keep kicking a dead horse. Everything we've talked about is true, my feelings and statements and trying to get to the 'bottom' of why we won't work - we've gone over it all. Time and time again. And perhaps it's my up & down, my hot & cold, that really did us in, I'm not sure. But, my God, we know I am like that. I just wanted to not lose you in my life, and I wanted you to 'see the point' of just being friends with a girl, but you couldn't seem to.
I hate this because I feel like I know all the answers and none, simultaneously. 
The bottom line is - Same girl as at the restaurant as at home, just (and I know you may doubt this) when I got home, I realized I couldn't be selfish anymore. I couldn't just be with you to 'keep' you here. It isn't fair to you. I didn't want to stay with you knowing that I would, yet again, break your heart.
That was the face change - that was the solemn realization that I had. I am sorry. I am very very sorry.

I had to cut it out.

We tried. For a moment. I tried to like salmon, again. But still, I do not.
And on a walk with my Malibu Bad Ass yesterday, looking at all the beautiful houses, and the smaller more modest ones as well, I could not picture the F and I standing in front of one. I could never 'see' us in the future together; with him, with all his love - it still seemed too unattainable, too far away.

No joke, this is in my neighborhood.
And this is not what I meant by 'unattainable'.
I'm talking more single story bungalow, ya know?

Though, on a lighter note: I am centered again, I've been showering regularily, walking again, fun to be around again, and happy again.
Why?
Well, I got a job.
I start Monday.

So hopefully, it will be a company I can grow with & allthatandyaddayadda.
Fucking finally.