My Musings, Inspirations... and on this gloomy Sunday, My Fears.

I just keep telling myself:

I was happy before.
I am happy now.
I will be happy if it doesn't work out.

Little insecure stream of consciousness... (Ha, not like anyone is really reading this anyway.)

I find myself feeling a bit like I am in limbo: Seven dates with the Australian, in a month and a half, and the looming possibility (fear is perhaps a better word) that I am basically company only to be kept while he's working in my town hover over me. I don't want to date anyone else, I don't want him to either - yet I don't want all my eggs in one basket.

Last night was our 7th date. I finally felt like I let my guard down, let him in. I was candid, didn't chose my words as carefully as before - I made fun of his arm hair. Told him about my grey hair. He looked at my high school yearbook. I told him about my past relationships and he told me about his. We finally talked about the struggles that come along with finding yourself in your midtwenties. (These were years that in past dates, we have both avoided.)

I took him to my coffee shop in the morning. With no makeup on.Where they know me by name. I let him see me in sweatpants. He noted that even my sweatpants were cool & different. (If you know me, you know that this is a paramount observation.)

And now, I feel both exposed and sort of secure. Which is unsettling. Now I am overthinking my choice of words. Overthinking my answers to questions he asked. Wondering what I babbled in my sleep this time.

He clarified last night, that in my sleep the first time I said very "kind things about the way I feel about him." I responded with "I don't really want to know, do I?" To which we both changed the subject.

Argh. How do I fight the nagging insecurities... when I am with him, looking into his eyes, speaking to him, holding his hand (as we do almost the entire time we are together, if not entirely intertwined at the table, on the street, in the market, even standing in my living room, we are almost always touching) thinking that this man likes me... this man wants to hold me... this man wants to know me... as soon as he is gone, I am thinking, was that all me? Was I the one reaching for his hand? Touching his back? Embracing him? The answers I gave to his questions were honest, but were they the answers that in the long run he is looking for?

Some of the answers to my questions, especially the ones he knows I won't like the answer to, he just doesn't respond to. Deflecting these questions, or subtley changing the topic is something I have noticed he does often. I have done the same on past dates with him, avoiding the whole past relationships subject, so it was nice to kind of call him out on that last night. I do think it allowed us to speak a bit more openly. But then that's scary too.

Only time will tell, I guess.

I will also note, that in the morning, when I threw on cargos, a v-neck, hoodie & flip flops (which essentially he had been begging for) with no make up on, he did say "I quite like you dressed like this..."