A B C D E S F J.... Wait, That's Not Right.

I once took a (ahem - very scientific) online personality test which deemed me an 'ESFJ'. Basically Carl Jung (okay maybe not him, but whatever) thinks I'm a Caregiver with 'Extroverted Feeling with Introverted Sensing'. Yay for Analytical Psych 203!
 
The ESJF explanation read,

ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They are extremely good at reading others, and understanding their point of view. The ESFJ's strong desire to be liked and for everything to be pleasant makes them highly supportive of others. People like to be around ESFJs, because the ESFJ has a special gift of invariably making people feel good about themselves.


...ESFJs are warm and energetic. They need approval from others to feel good about themselves. They are hurt by indifference and don't understand unkindness. They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others. They want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give. They're very sensitive to others, and freely give practical care. ...An ESFJ who has developed in a less than ideal way may be prone to being quite insecure, and focus all of their attention on pleasing others.

Carl Jung knows me! I'm - like - famous! Okaymaybenot.


You like me!
You really like me!



But it rings true. It's scientific evidence of Love Me! Love Me! Syndrome (here). I want everyone to like me. NobutseriouslyIdo. Is this news? No. I'm a Shopgirl for a reason! I want women to feel beautiful and I want them to like me Godammnit! Aaaand... I can usually read a woman in my store within two seconds...

In need of retail therapy? Lean on me. 
A break from your bratty teenage daughter? She'll realize how cool you are in a couple years.
Feeling fat? You're not; here try on this necklace.
I also have a knack for sensing the type woman a guy I am interested in wants, and being that girl.

Oh, you have White Knight Syndrome?
I'll be your Damsel in Distress.

You want witty banter & sarcastic flirting? Puhlease.
You want want fragile & in need of saving? Rescue me.
You want a hostess in high heels? Why, it's my pleasure.
Now, this is not to say that I am fake, or faking my personality for guys; I just have a tendency to lean into certain aspects of myself around certain people. Maybe it's just me; maybe it's everyone who does this - on this, I can only speak for myself. Well, and the Myers-Briggs explanation above can speak for me too.
I'm a lean mean leaning-machine.
With guys, my brain turns immediately to: I want you to love me - and I will make sure you do - and then I'll decide if I love you back. My relationships with women are similar - I want women to like me too! (Not in the same sense, but youknowhatImean.)
You need a Big Sister? Then this is what I think you should do.
You need a Little Sister? Then what should I do?
You need an Ally? Conspiratorial wink.

Girl crushes abound!

I lean into my relationships with women just like I do with men, yet in a much healthier context -  especially these days. Slowly, over the past year, I have been - for the first time in my entire life - learning how to base my own perceived value as a person on the quality of relationships I have with my friends & not just on how men view me. It has finally become more important to me to start a conversation with a girlfriend than to stop traffic. (Though thats nice too.) And the quality of my life - as well as the quality of my relationships with my girlfriends - is waaaaay better for it. When I only really valued myself as  a woman solely on men loving me, while still wanting everyone including other women, to like me - but it didn't make for very whole connections with other girls. I am a better friend now than I have ever been - not in an arrogant way, mind you, but but because in the past I did not value my friendships like I do now; I simply wasn't a very good friend. And yet, I couldn't forthelifeofme understand why women didn't really like me. When my Ex & I broke up, I had few girlfriends & female acquaintances & I have stayed close with um... like maybe two of them. It's funny though; I once had this shocking epiphany that went something like, Oh my God, there are probably people out there who don't like me and my boyfriend! I was 27. The reality is other women didn't really know me well enough to like me; and you know what? I wasn't even very likable. I was smug, and spent most of my time leaning into what my Ex wanted in a girlfriend; which was sort of a silent caretaker of sorts. Ah, how Jungian.


PILLOWFIGHT!!!

 In the past, and even now, I've struggled with articulating my feelings and thoughts in friendships and in relationships; if anything is true of this little project it is that it has given me the ability to form deeper and more meaningful friendships; it has allowed people to know me in a way I could never verbalize in the past. It has allowed me to lean into myself. Goldi got a little behind on reading SS&R during the dark days of the Dutchman, and when she finally caught up, she called in tears, sad that she hadn't known how awful was feeling - And I realized that without this outlet for myself; no one would have known. Speaking of my Dutchman, he once commented that I was a far better writer than I was talker. He was right. I may lean into people, but its nice to know I now have people to lean on. I believe I've said it before, but I'll say it again - one of the biggest wake up calls I've ever had is when one of my Little Sisters told me she wished she knew me better.
She also once said to me, when I really needed to hear it;

You can let me be the Big Sister too, you know. 

You can lean on me.

And I did.

Sidenotes: I have gone on a couple 'distraction dates' just to 'get back out there'. Cheeseball, I know - but who knows, it can't hurt.

Distraction Date #1: Sushi. Halfway into our edamame, he kindly asked the waitress in Japanese if she was, in fact Japanese. When she replied with a no, he switched to Korean, and asked if she was Korean. He looked back at me proudly, and whispered, "I don't actually know what I'm saying - I just have those phrases memorized." I held in my eye-roll (I hope). I mean, I knew going in that this date would not lead anywhere, but really dude? I wanted to say, "Yeaaah, my last boyfriend spoke four languages. You're an idiot and Ihatchu. And you're short."

Distraction Date #2: Lunch on a Patio. Ended with the following text to Goldi: I don't think the spark was there for either of us. Topics of conversation included: Leprosy, Tara Reid, fantasy football, salmon.

This is going... Yeah. I'm just glad I have my coworkers, friends & neighbors to lean on.