Like... Forever.
Not 'a couple years from now', not 'after the summer'.
Of until-you-or-I-die-Forever.
And how long that seems, for something that is not, in fact guaranteed to be any length of time at all.
My brain has trouble even conceiving what Forever is; like when I look out onto a sky, so blue, and just imagine infinite space.
Space going on out to forever.
Forever - Good, Bad, Always.
I have a lot of fears about change, while maintaining an openness to the fluidity of life - Its weird, I know things change, good things and bad things, and usually I adapt as they come, but still, I fear change.
I fear fear Fear a day where Jim and I no longer see eye to eye, or things we used to finding endearing - like my singing voice - are just shrill irritants.
I have no model for Forever, I don't have a personal grasp of what that looks like.
The only maps I have is what falling Out of Love looks like.
Memories of my parents fighting outside the car window, of the realization that they no longer Love each other. Memories of two parallel lives being lived between the Ex and I, like a brother and sister who roll their eyes at one another and love each other only because they don't see any other alternative, until one day they just can't even do that anymore.
Of couples breaking up and hating each other afterward, of 'What was I thinkings!?'
I fear forever, because I have no idea what to expect from forever; and I can't even say with certainty that I believe it exists.
I can't imagine not being with Jim forever.
And not just the days of 'We're both wearing Prada while hitting up the Farmer's Market and drinking locally sourced beer and eating artisinal waffles' of this new-ish partnership. While I like the 'How Perfect on The Outside' everything is right now, what I want is the Forever of him sleeping next to me while I read, of him waking me up before he goes to work, of just loving being next to one another; of the moments in between the aforementioned Prada Parade*, when we are at home or in the car and we simply just Like one another.
Oh my God, that's it: I want us to Like each other Forever.
I said that to him last night, at dinner. We were capping off a really nice do-nothing but do-quite-a-bit weekend - of nice lunches and crossiants and lazy afternoons and wandering through bookstores, and we were at dinner at this kind of bougie gastropub, and I said exactly that to him, 'I like you.' And he responded with, 'I love you, too'.* .
'That's not what I said. I said, I Like you. I like being with you. Just being.'To which he agreed, and he understood.
*How many more times can I insert We Were Both In Prada?
I know, I know.
Though, honestly, there are shirts at Target that
cost more than what I paid for my Praaaada, but still.
We Were Both In Prada.
Forever is a long time, and the commitment of Loving someone, through good and bad and everything else that can possibly span that spectrum, I think I can scavenge up some have maps for that.
I've known what the commitment of loving someone no matter what, no matter how many eye rolls I hold in (or don't hold in) looks like.
But I want to Like one another as well.
And you know, sometimes I have a hard enough time liking myself enough, that I guess what I'm afraid of is not being Forever Likable. Of my singing voice turning irksome, of my disdain for cleaning the kitty litter (as in: I do not do it) becoming 'An Issue.' Of the same happening to him in my eyes.
All I know is that I want Like, Happily Ever After.
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