Minding Your P's & Q's

Qualified.
YesPlease&ThankYou.

My Ex is Tall, Dark & Handsome.
I thought he just looked like the boyfriend I'd always wanted. With a nice truck.
That was my qualifying criteria back then. Now I know you don't pick who you fall in love with, and I did truly love said Ex, but I had - at 23 - not yet realized that there is an art to what my friends & I are doing now: what Honey's Honey calls PreQualifying. The act of learning what it is you do and don't want in a partner, and choosing one based on what you've learned. Not just saying yes, please to the first thing you spot on the menu.

This is a skill I am just learning now - via trial & error, of course.

After the PQ conversation with Honey's Honey, I started thinking about all these dates I've been on, and everyone that I have dated seriously in the past & what I have taken from each and every one of them. Obviously, I have learned more from some than others, but recently I have found myself really -really!- prequalifying the men that I date.
There are the little things - I am skeptical of anyone who lists "American Psycho" as their favorite movie. To those who actually write things like, "work hard, play hard", I say no, thank you. The poor guy who ordered "Chicken and Rice", said just like that, on our first date - at a Thai Restaurant! - yeah, that was a DQ on the PQ.
(Surprise! Surprise! He will be forever referred to as "Chicken & Rice".)
On a core human level you must like kids and believe in monogamy and God (no matter what God it is). In terms of online dating it is as easy as reading their basic stats in their profile. My most basic PQ's: a belief in Family & God. Yes, please.
After that, it gets a little more based on the idea that the more you live the more you learn; it has become more individualized.
In terms of B----, I like him, a lot. We've been dating and hanging out for awhile now. We've done casual dinners, fancy dinners, movies while cuddling on his bed, walks on the beach. He likes my affection, and is getting better at reciprocating it. We have the same odd sense of humor, relatively similar outlooks on the world and life, and he is sweet to me. His brain seeks beauty in the world, and he fights his own personal demons by creating it. (I love this about him.)  I have started to feel that swell, that surge, of energy in my heart when he wraps his arms around me. But! He doesn't express his feelings with words. He is very action-based; he shows his feelings physically - by hugging, holding, kissing - by creating beautiful furniture, by creating computer applications that help people. And if you're thinking to yourself maybe with time he will open up (in the verbal sense) - I'm doubtful. I have gotten to know him well enough to know that he most likely will not. Ever. He doesn't inhabit a world where those words really exist. As smart of a person as he is, he is literally incapable of being verbally expressive. And as much as I have begun to care for him, to think of him often, to miss him when he is not around... I know that as far as "the long run" goes, I cannot be happy in a relationship where I am not both shown and told how much I am cared for. If I say, "I like you," he says it back & if I say "I miss you" he says it back - but it's entirely one-sided in terms of who is initiating it. I need to be told I am beautiful, lovable, without having to ask first. Additionally, he struggles with Depression (by his own admission) and I do not think that I can be with someone who I know I can never really make happy. Who will never Be Happy. I think that in the long run, it would hurt me - it would cause me pain to try and try to make him happy, but never to any avail. 
The luxury of the PQ is that I am giving myself the ability to learn these things about myself, and try my hardest to not settle for anything less. I am giving myself the go-ahead to be as selfish about who I end up with as possible, and I have to say no, thank you to the Emotionally Mute.
(Out of all this dating I have done, I will say that SupermanTroll really has the ability to be both emotionally open and intuitive - he will one day find a wonderful woman, and she will be lucky.)
I also need someone happy with themselves, internally & externally. Yes, please.
I went on a first date with an old flame the other night; we had casually hung out in college, and knew each other from back home, but this time around he found me on one of the two dating websites I'm a member of. We went to sushi on Friday. The date went very well; I found myself (perhaps because of the sense of familiarity with him) being very open and quite candid. I liked it, and I liked spending time with him. We had good conversation, laughed a lot, he spoke with great love about his son (yes, he now has a one year old son) and we talked about how much both of us had grown up in the seven or so years since we had last seen each other. He is handsome, has a great smile, and I could tell in his eyes that he was genuinely surprised at my cleverness and my goofiness. Actually, at one point he even said so. He seems like a loving person and a good father. Yes, please. But! He lacks that cerebral intelligence that I have come to be so turned on by; the kind of intelligence that drives me to better myself. No, thank you. He didn't challenge me, and I am learning that I really am attracted to those men whose intelligence challenges my own. Now, I'm not writing this, saying "I'm so smart, I need a genius across the table from me" but I do need someone who I can learn from, who I can spar with, who makes me think.
(Actually, of the many many dates I have been on, I have only found this in a few men - the Aussie (obviously) for one, B----, and a bit in Maroon 5, believe it or not! And he was only 23!)
I am trying to pinpoint this analytical & creative intelligence, scientific almost, that I have come to PQ for. I can't really put my finger on it - but I know it when I see it. So I've learned, I have to say no, thank you to the Simpler Man.
(I 've found that if some describes themselves as 'simple' on their profile, or when talking about themselves, it's points off. I move on.)

The most common - and easiest to spot - issue I have with most of these dates I go on is the lack of purpose, or the lack of ambition. In the past year, I have learned that I, myself, have the tendency to be complacent, and to be indecisive. I need -need!- someone who counteracts this; who balances this part of me. That was one of the things that I loved most about the Aussie, and one of the factors that led to the end of my relationship with my Ex. The Aussie's ambition challenged me while my Ex's own tendency towards stagnation - or waiting for everything to fall into his lap - only exaggerated my own.

On a surface level, it starts with planning the first date: I need someone who will take the reigns to a certain extent - once the words, "I don't know, what do you want to do?" are uttered, I'm deducting points. "Sushi or Italian?" is a good sign. "How about Thursday, 8 o'clock at Bono's?" Yes, please! Now, I am not saying I want to be bossed around, or controlled, but I think that this is a good indicator of one being able to get things done, having a sense of purpose. It signals to me, "I know what I want. I want to take you out, I want to show you the best of me." This, and I may be wrong  - Hell! I may be wrong about everything! Who really knows?! - shows me that I am dealing with someone knows who what he wants, and has the drive and purpose to get it, hopefully in all facets of his life. Yes, please.

I just wrote a whole post about how I am looking for a driven, smart man who talks about his feelings.

Well, if  I'm not one original chickadee, I don't know who is! Goddammnit.

So all this being said (or written, I guess) I'll probably fall in love with some dumbass Bret Easton Ellis-worshipping, strong and silent type who works (sort-of) hard but plays real hard, who can't for the life of him figure out what he wants to eat for dinner.

Or not, thankyouverymuch.

Ha, he'd be DQ'd via PQ before I even learned his middle name.