Happy Endings.

Kat Moss has moved out.

My apartment, where I am now, my adorable little beachside room with a kitchen attached, looks like Roanoke.
Someone lives here, there are dirty dishes in the sink, paper strewn about, an empty pack of Parliments long forgotten sitting atop my nightstand.
But, no one is living here.
My home is simply a home for my clothes right now. As circumstance & convenience have me more and more at M's, and it being Our Creation, Our Place... My little bungalow, with all it's memories of F, and it's memories of last summer, and as a general Escape from my Past Life, it has become a shell.

A Shell of Saturn's Singledom.
Now, this is not exactly what I've wanted.
I love my little place, and my life here & have felt a bit alienated from it this week, as I've spent every night in Orange County.
But, when given the choice to drive home to my one room studio, or spend the evening with a man who rubs my feet, tells me he Loves me, and leaves a coffee cup ready to go in the Keurig before he leaves every morning, you can imagine which decision I am not hasty to make. But, coming here, for the first time, without my Kat waiting for me is a real reminder of how slowly but surely we are combining our lives.
Kat was sad and alone for most nights, with the F maybe stopping by to feed her until he no longer could, or would, it only made sense to bring her to M's.
M loves her too, and calls her 'Little One' and it makes me happy that we are all there, together, without worry.
But I can't help but feel like my last grip on any strand of singledom is gone.
Why am I afraid of that?

I'm afraid that if I do, I'll seem selfish.

Because I stood on a soap box for so long saying I would never rush into something like this, that I would never lose myself to a relationship again, that I can't help but feel a bit like a hypocrite.
And a circumstance and convenience go, I have no choice but to simply let go of that feeling right now.

I'm just afraid that I won't get the Girl's Night invites anymore for being disregarded as being with M.
I'm just afraid that I'm doing what I said I'd never do.
But most nights, when I have no invites or plans or am working late, the only thing I want to do is be in M's bed, watching old episodes of Happy Endings.

Ya know, I'm not afraid of my future with His as an Us, but I'm afraid that from the outside looking in, it will seem as though I am losing Me.


Also, I cut my hair. Short, above my shoulders.
It was time for a more Grown Up look.
And I had a Grown Up Fourth - work and then fireworks and dinner at the Montage in Laguna Beach. And while overlooking the Pacific, watching the bright lights, I realized that in two years, two July 4th's ago, my relationship with the Ex fell apart, everything went to shit that day. And that one July 4th ago marked my anniversary of my own independence. And that there, standing on that patio, with a man who has and is falling in love with me - and I him - that I have come so far in the past two years.
In two years, I have actually, really, truly, become a real life Grown Up.
And in turn, even with all  my empty nest syndromes and fears about missing out or moving on, I have fallen for a Grown Up.