Never Ever Will I Ever.

You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy.

C. JoyBell C.

I want to write but I have been up since eight this morning and for some reason my eyes won't focus or even all the way open even though I am on my third cup of coffee.

Lids heavy, I'm perched on the couch, mentally and physically exhausted. 

I've tried caffeine. Sugar. A bagel. String cheese. I can't wake up. 

I want to make you laugh, I want to make you think, I want to put something on the page that will make me feel better. Not that I feel bad, I just feel. Happy, sad, stressed, tired.

Last night, after explaining my thoughts to Jim on realizing that part of growing up is moving on, and that part of moving on is change, and that parts of change can be uncomfortable or different, he complimented my ability to wholly think about a situation, and articulate it, and to express it. God, I love this man.

See, I've made so many declarative statements in the past few years.

See: I'll never move in with someone again! Unless we're engaged.  

See: I'll never give up My Life for a man again!

See: I'll never let someone in enough to change my life for them. 

Okay, maybe I never said that last one directly, but I surely thought it, however indirectly.

(Okay, maybe the sugar from the Capri Sun I just drank is kicking in.) Now, don't misunderstand; I have not technically moved in with the man, but I am here now, as he is work. I have been here for weeks, at this point barely going home once a week (more like once a month). We went back to my tiny town yesterday as I finally had a weekend day off and I didn't even grab the key to my own apartment (subconsciously, I suppose). 

We brunched and beached with my friends, and there in my tiny town, I realized that things have changed. 

I have changed. 

People also out and about noticed I have not been 'around', and people asked 'where have you been?' But there, boyfriend and besties in tow, I felt separate from what was once My Town. My Niche. My Home.

Even with Goldi and Beauty; things were different. They've had a whole summer there; whereas I've been working and less mobile than summers past, and I have been with Jim. And, I have been beating myself up for feeling as though I have eschewed my friendships for a boy after everything that happened with the Ex of 5 Years (who I saw, albeit so briefly through a doorway, yesterday) I need to realize that that is not the case.  I'm allowed to Grow Up.

My friends are wonderful, and they know me better than anyone else, but there is nothing wrong with growing out of that Tiny Town. That a move towards a partnership with Jim, a move to a job with different hours and locale, a move towards a more comfortable existence, is not eschewing my friendships for boy. Granted I'm not perfect, I've never claimed to be, but even if my balance is not exact, the change and the awareness of the change are almost as important. But, I have to let go of this thought that change is in inherently negative, or that I'm doing it to the detriment of other things, or wrong altogether.

It's growing up. Its moving forward. 

I'm not 'choosing' my boyfriend over my friends; I have to let that idea/fear go.

I'm choosing to be forward moving over my own propensity towards stagnation. 

Growing up an moving on and outgrowing and moving forward are all Good Things. 

Goldi and I may not talk forty times a day like we used to, Beauty and I may not spend every Sunday sitting on a sun soaked patio sipping champagne anymore, but that doesn't mean that something is awry. It just means that we are growing up. That's all Goldi and I wanted when we formed our Classy Pact; we wanted to become Adults. I did feel a little, for lack of a better phrase, left out yesterday, but I do believe that was more of my own insecurities' creation, and less of an actual thing. I have to remember that I can have both; a healthy relationship as well as many friendships. And that I am complete because I have both. And that I don't have to be 100% submerged in either for them to work. Because....

I have to realize that, like people and relationships, friendships change too. 

And that's okay. 

Its okay that I don't lean on Goldi as a psuedoboyfriend anymore. 

Or the F for that matter. 

My friends are growing and changing and I am too. 

And I have to remember that, and not beat myself up over not being entrenched in my Tiny Town. 

Its okay that I have faux-moved to suburbia. 

Its okay that one day, I may even really move to suburbia. 

It's okay that I may go back on my own words. 

I forgive myself for that. 

I sound like Stuart Smallies.

Because, it's not the same as it was before; I said that far reaching 'Never Ever Again!' statement in direct reference to my relationship of five years. When I should have been saying, 'I will never make the same mistake again' I was instead making far reaching statements like, 'I'll never do A, B or C again!' 

But Jim is not Liam. I am not 23. I have done the 'research' this time (a la the list, paper planes, dating, making up and breaking up, knowing what I want and need) and with everything I have learned in the last plus or minus seven years, I believe that being with Jim is the best decision I can possibly make when it comes to finding a partner for life. 

To grow up with, to (hopefully) grow old with. 

For God's Sake, this is the first man in my entire adult life I can truly see as a husband. 

In the 'when you find it you'll know' sense that I have for so long doubted.

I believe that sitting on this couch, type type typing away while trying to wake up is the best possible place for me to be.

Conversely, I also saw my newly-wed Flame Haired Favorite, and not a beat was skipped. It was so good to see her and her husband, and know that they too are proud of my steps forward, as well as their own. Never do I doubt how she will accept a faux move, or make me feel like I've somehow made a choice of B over A. Not that Goldi or Beauty do either, but I perhaps just feel more sensitive about that with them. 

My girlfriends all know me so well, in different ways. And, as elementary as it may sound, each friend I have serves a different purpose, each woman is a separate sounding board.  And each relationship is always changing, growing and evolving. That isn't a necessarily a bad thing, nor is it something to fear. 

Or beat myself up over. 

I just have to accept that I am changing. 

We are changing. 

Things change.

And I have to remind myself that that is okay.

That is a good thing. 

I want to move. Now there's a declarative sentence for ya.

Out of my tiny Roanoke apartment and into the place I now call Home.

Even though I said I never would again. 

Even though I haven't been asked to.

I want to really come Home.