Avoiding Candyland.

I admit, I have a little of what I call Look at Me! Love Me! Syndrome. I know enough about myself to know that to a certain extent I use online dating and perhaps even this little blog - okay, I use attention - as a way of getting validation. I don't think I'm the only one; comedians want people the laugh at their jokes, don't they? I think it is all part of being human.

Laugh! ...because I'm funny!

Like me! ...because I'm smart!

Look at me! ...because I am beautiful!

Read my blog! ...because I'm interesting!

Want me! ...because I am sexy!

Love me! ...because I'm worthy of love!
Look at me! Love me!

I like me, I feel beautiful most of the time, I think I am intelligent, and know that I am deserving of the love that I feel from my family & friends & even from my past boyfriends. I also know I can be a bit of a narcissist, and in the past I have let this little syndrome of mine create some poor patterns of behavior but these days my LMS is more white noise than anything else.

However, this past weekend I was witness to an interesting version of LMS:

My First & Only Date with the 49er.

So, I knew he was older, obviously, and I knew he was shorter than I usually go for but height requirements are becoming less and less important to me; we had nice emails & interesting (and long!) conversations on the phone, so I figured, Why the hell not? He was quite attractive in his photos, and is in a place in his life that seemed like a good fit for me. We scheduled a date for Saturday. By the time Saturday rolled around, I'll admit, I was exhausted. After my tapas date on Thursday, and the nice time I had with B---- Friday, I was kind of over meeting the 49er, to be honest. (I like B---- though I find myself forgetting about him sometimes, so thats not good).

I'll also take this sort of Head Candy.

The 49er planned what sounded like a neverending  list of things he wanted to do that night - first stop being a quick trip to the art gallery where he buys heinous yet extremely expensive Mandarin artwork & then to a rooftop bar for a drink, then here, then there... 

I knew as soon as I met him there was not a physical connection. But, I continued on... I mean, what's one evening?! Over the course of the entire night, I experienced a feeling I have never felt before - I learned how it felt to be judged en masse as someone else's symbol of validity. As as trophy, no different than his Mercedes. You may say the 49er has LM$.

I want attention for being smart, clever, pretty, lovable yadda yadda yadda.... but I believe that the components of the 49er's definition of what makes him lovable are the complete opposite of my own. And the screams of his own need for validation from others - his art dealer, the other bar patrons, the maitre'd - they were deafening.

Laugh! because I can buy you things you can't afford!

Like me! because I'm successful!

Look at me! because she is beautiful!

Want me! because I am powerful!
Love me! because I'm worthy of love because of my successes!
I felt like I was nothing more than his arm candy - a living breathing symbol to everyone around us, me towering over him yet eighteen years below him: "Hey! I may be short and old, looks fading, but LOOK AT MY GIRLFRIEND! I have her because I'm richer and more succesful than you!"  And I felt as though I was being judged by everyone around, "Look at her, younger & pretty and just digging for gold. She's only with him for the money." I mean, if I was a bystander at the restaurant, that is exactly what I would think. And I'm there, uncomfortable, thinking to myself, I am smart, I support myself (albeit a bit hand to mouth), I have things to bring to the table other than being somebody else's symbol of success. My date with the 49er was the closest I have ever came to inciting Code Blue. You know, it was less about others' judgements of me, because if I had had a connection with him I doubt I would've cared; but I think one of the reasons that I didn't have a connection with him is because of the underlying elements that he used in constructing his value system. That he wanted a trophy.
(He was also 'wife-ing' me pretty heavily, the creeper; things like, "our house" - as in his, and "your boutique"- as in the one he'd open for me.) I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

As much as I love good old fashioned attention, I don't want to be simply arm candy; and I don't want arm candy. I don't want to be a cheap symbol of anyone else's success. I want my next relationship to be a symbol of our success as a couple - two people that compliment one another and work together to be better, stronger and happier.

You love me! I Love you! Look at us, we are smart, clever, intelligent, attractive, successful and kind together!

I want to be loved for who I am, not for what I represent.
I want to be head candy, heart candy. & I want that for myself too.
Sidenotes: I don't have any other dates on the horizon, other than a vague "I want to see you soon" with B---- (who has stillnot told me about his test results, argh! he's so cryptic sometimes!) 
And I met an extremely sexy Englishman while I was out and about on Sunday (in Real Life!!) - I apparently have developed a weakness for men with accents. Oh, but what woman doesn't?!?
& Goldi is still riding the rollercoaster with the Lawyer.