Thank You Mick Jagger (or Why I Can't Get No Satisfaction).

Oh? You aren't ready for a relationship? Great.
Oh? You have a job that will take you out of the country four days a week? Fantastic.
Oh? Wait, you live out of the country? Even better.
I will fall madly in love with You.

I know They say (whoever They are - in this case I'm pretty sure it is the Rolling Stones but thatsneitherherenorthere) that you can't always get what you want. And this is true, I guess, but with a little reflection I've come to realize that...
I always get what I want.
You wanna know why?
Because, I only want what I can't actually have. I don't want the guy who continually texts me, because thats really annoying of him - whydoesn'tHegetit? I want the guy who never asked for my number in the first place. I don't want the sweet man who's face may or may not have turned into a troll when he leaned left but was crazy about me - I wanted the asshole who asked me point blank 'Why are you still single?' and that I was crazy about. When we were naked. (Sorry, mom.)
Which, really - Why the F do people think that this is an okay thing to ask? I get that they - I guess - are trying to compliment me, but its such a burn. And rude. Worse though, "Why aren't you married yet?" At least I had clothes on when I was asked that. F you all.
I don't want to date the sweet boy down the road, I want to marry sweet boy six thousand miles away.

My friend's lawyer brother
who lived in Madagascar.
who 'just wasn't ready for a relationship'.
I loved him dearly.

Ha! I am still single because I always get what I want. I always want what I can't have. Those men I've ached for phone calls from; the ones who have said, 'I'm just not ready for a relationship right now'. You know, its a hard pill to swallow, but if you or I was the right girl for them, they'd be ready. If they really liked us, they'd call back.
Or - better yet - call in the first place. To some, we could be anyone; we are disposable. Man, I've been known to kick that dead horse for as long as my ego allows for itself to get kicked right back. (Bad analogy, I know, as most dead horses can't kick...) It seems that then - once my ego is bruised and battered enough - and I have the wherewithall to change their name in my phone to lets just say, for instance, The Englishman Is An Asshole, then - BAM! I am faced with yet again - or find, it would seem - someone new, someone who I cannot really have.  I mean, I may have my Dutchman's heart & he may have mine, but somewhere my heart must've known that he, too, I could not have. And so my heart screamed, Let the falling in love begin, folks! F it, too by the way.

You know, it is quite funny actually; because, for the most part - my Ex included - I have had a lot of luck in my relationships --- I fall & I fall hard for Good Men. My real relationships, although flawed - were with men who treated me spectacularly. My boyfriends have treated me like a queen, I have been spoiled and I have been adored. But in retrospect (I am remembering even more while I write this) most of these relationships have begun in ways that made them seem impossible to maintain; with boys I was not supposed to have. With apologetic 3 page letters on the window sheilds of my friend's cars, with phone calls to my friends, stating things like, I've secretly been dating your brother/exboyfriend/thatguyyouhate. My college roommate told me that my Ex was, quote, not a good guy & had dated her sorority sister to distasterous results. What did I do? I shacked up with him within a matter of monthes. We're movin' in! 

I mean, I have a Secret-Ex-Boyfriend for godssakes.*                

*he was never my boyfriend, I know. See!?!

My Dutchman told me he was leaving in two and a half days the day I met him. I consider him one of my Great Loves. But that thought, that consideration -it is always followed up with a wistfull, If only he was here...

The men who chase me, the ones who live in a respectable vicinity, the ones who have called me ontheregular (B---- for instance, as I still occassionally get an 'I still miss you' text from him) - they become disposable. Why?! I once dated a total asshole, but an asshole who was crazy about me, who complained that I often seemed cold emotionally & that when he told me he was leaving out of town for a couple days, he didn't like that I didn't ask where he was going & simply said 'Have fun, call me when you get back.' Click. He told me this bothered him. Nope, next please. (That actually, in retrospect was a fantastic call on my part.)
I have more than once had to respond, Thank you to an I love you.
...on the other hand...
I have more than once looked someone in the the eyes and thought, Why won't you love me?

So, I am lovable, I have the capacity to love; but I fall for whomever is just too far away to reach - whether it be emotionally or physically. I fall for the boys off-limits, the wanderlusts, the foreigners and the I-Forgot-To-Call-ers.

Peeping Toms? Thats a new one.

You know, part of this whole trying to be a grown up I've been working on, this whole Saturn's Return 'of restructuring one's life & making it more sound' thing I've been going through... Um, yeah. Time to restructure this whole going for those I cannot get thing.

You know they (the Stones) say,

You can't always get what you want...

but they follow it up with,

But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need.

I need to learn to find (and fall for) those I can have. And who want to have me in return.
And then perhaps I won't have to dodge that really fucking annoying question anymore.
Or... I could just hang out with more polite people.
Ah, it's one in the same really.

Sidenotes: A couple people have mentioned that they often wanted to comment; I say go ahead. If you're so inclined, chatter away. I  mean, I do. I've made it easy - you don't have to sign in or anything.

So, Its been a funny couple weeks; people are either shacking up or breaking up. A lot of my friends have had experiences in the past month that have further solidified their relationships - the Doctor and Goldi are going strong, Honey and her Honey have relocated her kitty to his place. A very cute boy said something to my best friend in San Francsico about his general intentions with my other best friend in San Francisco...But on the other end, a lot of people I know have been breaking up - myself included, or dealing with general uneasiness in their relationships. Maybe it is the changing of the seasons, or something in the stars...