There's a First Time For Everything.



It's not you, it's me.
No, I'm lying. It's totally you.

I'm really really terrible at breaking up with people that I am dating. Notoriously terrible. I am a liar - I'll make up any excuse other than 'I just don't like you that much' in order to 'spare' their feelings. I'd rather say My dog died. I'm just not in a good place right now. (Obviously, I'd  be omitting the fact that my dog has been dead for plusorminus 3 years.) And it isn't just to spare their feelings; it's so much more selfish an act than that - I do it because I don't want to feel like an asshole.
So what do you say to someone who feels like they've finally 'found' their match after two dates? (his words, not mine.) In the past, I would have said nothing until the texting & phone calls dwindled down to nothingnadazipzilch. But, I'm trying to be a grown up about such things; and I think that the Man's Man deserves The Truth. But the Truth is - You came on too strong & I don't really like you that much.
What's the nicest way to say that? My sprained ankle has really put in a bad place right now. No? Anyone?
Beauty went on her first - and only - date with a surferSlashdoctor, and two days later was able to text him that she just wasn't feeling it. I was actually really envious that she was able to do that so easily - I've only gone on two dates with the dude and I have been putting off breaking it off with for longer than the time it took for us to go on two dates. I'm at a loss. I am resolved to do it today, via email. It's been a week since our second date, and obviously I'm a little more emotionally involved with someone else, much to my frustration.
Thankfully, midway through writing this, my phone rang. I peeked at the caller ID and answered,

Oh thank God! I need your help!
Goldi laughed, Oh you're writing the break up email to the Man's Man?

Sheknowsmesowell. So with some over-the-phone coaching, 'we' wrote a nice little paragraph simply stating that I felt more of a friend connection than a romantic one.
Sidenote: She totally wrote it for me. I just came up with the ending: I wish you the best. You're a total catch.  And in going over the past few months of casual dating (My Dutchman not included, I'm talking about the guys that I went on one or two - or 8, sorry B----, dates with) we realized that I have never once been honest in a break off. I've used macabre excuses, lame excuses, cowardly excuses to break it off; that is, if I gave them any excuse at all. I have a tendency not to call at all.
While I was still on the phone with her, I received his response.

Aaaaand... into the netting he fell.

A single line that read:

Ouch. I wish I could say I felt the same way.

To which Goldi congratulated me on my Very First Real, Honest Break Off. I feel like I deserve a gold star or something.


I still feel like an asshole, but at least I feel like an Honest Asshole.
Capital HA!