Long Distance Calling.




Dreams are where I have to go to see your face these days.

My Dutchman called me last night.
I had not heard his voice since he left and it brought me right back to two monthes ago. Right back to loving him, right back to that look he gave me. I was right there again.
I miss him. My heart aches... It's so hard to understand why it is that some people can just grab ahold of your heart and your mind & in an instant, in a moment, they have you forever. My Dutchman and have I discussed that it makes us each sad to think of the other moving on with their lives, meeting someone else and getting married to them... I mean, the idea of that makes me cry, but here I am moving on. Like thirst or happiness or nervous ticks, my love for him is so internalized that I have no doubt that I will always love him & he will always love me, but we will both move on.
He told me he has been focusing all of his energy on work, but he thinks about me often. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. He asked if I have been dating. I told him I had gone on a couple really bad dates, yes. He laughed and asked why so bad.

Because they're not you, I said.

He told me he still feels like he must have done something wrong; and I explained that he did nothing of the sort - adding,

You are perfect.

I am not perfect.

Perfect for me.

Oh, yes.

Borrowing a very astute description of what I was feeling from that beautiful email I recieved from a friend, I explained,

But... [I was] in a precarious place and one can't make it very long with such intense feelings with no release or resolution.

I reminded him that this was the first call I'd recieved since he left, and he countered with an explanation that he has only seen his sister in Amsterdaam once since he has gotten back from being with me, and she only lives forty five minutes from him. I practically screached,

And you expected to be able to maintain a relationship with six thousand miles bewteen us?!?

He conceded,

I sort of knew that the emotional impact of the distance would be harder on you than me.

And he apologized for not calling sooner.

Sidenotes: Juuuuust as I am finishing writing this that Goddamn Adele song came on, "I heard that you settled down, that you found a girl & you're married now... Nevermind I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don't forget me. Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead. Only yesterday was the time of our lives..." I hate that song. Followed by Gavin DeGraw's Not Over You. Someone at VH1 is out to get me.